Chapter 16

1The Pharisees and the Sadducees showed up together. Two parties that hate each other, teaming up against me. Classic. “Show us a sign from heaven,” they said. “Prove it.” Look at the crowds. That's the sign.

2He said, “You want a sign? You people check the weather every morning. Red sky, no red sky. The weather guys get it wrong every single day, and you keep watching them.

3I've been right about everything. Everything. And you want a sign? Look at the polls. Even the fake polls have me way up. That's your sign.

4You're a bad generation. Very disloyal. You want a sign? You get Jonah. That's it. I told you about Jonah. Great comeback story.” Then Trump walked out. Just left. Best way to end a meeting.

5They went across the lake, and the disciples forgot the bread. Again. Twice I made bread out of nothing, and they still can't pack a lunch.

6“Be careful,” Trump told them. “Watch out for the Pharisees and the Sadducees. They're going to come up to you, very friendly, off the record. Never talk to them. Never.”

7So they huddle up and decide, “He's mad because we forgot the bread.” Not even close. Zero for one.

8Trump knew what they were saying, and he said, “Bread? You think I care about bread? I can make bread out of nothing. You've seen me do it.

9Five loaves, five thousand people, twelve baskets left over. You were there.

10Seven loaves, four thousand people, seven baskets. Huge baskets. It's like you weren't even at the rallies.

11Bread's not the problem. Bread's never the problem. The problem is leakers. No interviews. Not with the Pharisees, not with the Sadducees, not with anybody.”

12Then they understood that he wasn't talking about bread. He was talking about leaks. No interviews. Finally. Took long enough.

13Then Trump took them up to Caesarea Philippi. Named after Caesar, very good businessman, and Philip, not so much. And he asked them, “So what are people saying about me? What are the polls saying?”

14They said, “Some say you're Johnny Big Deals. Some say Elijah. Some say Jeremiah, or one of the other prophets.” All great names. But they're not me.

15“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am? And think carefully. This is a loyalty question.”

16Simon Peter said, “You're the Messiah. The Son of the living God. The greatest of all time.” Correct answer. Perfect answer. The best answer.

17Trump said, “Peter, that's a great answer. Tremendous. That's why you're getting promoted. And you didn't come up with it yourself, by the way. My Father told you. Very smart guy, my Father. Great instincts.

18You're The Rock. I gave you that nickname, it's a great nickname. And on this rock I'm going to build my church, and nothing's going to knock it down. Not hell, not the fake news, nothing. It's going to be the biggest, tallest church. Beautiful marble. Gold in the lobby.

19I'm giving you the keys. Key to the city, key to every room in the building. Whatever you sign off on down here, I'll sign off on up there. You're my guy. Don't make me regret it.”

20Then he told his disciples, “Don't tell anybody I'm the Messiah. Not yet. You don't announce until the rollout is ready. Big rollout coming.”

21From then on Trump started explaining to his disciples, “We're going to Jerusalem. And the elders and the chief priests and the lawyers—crooked lawyers, very crooked—are going to come after me. They're going to kill me. And on the third day I'm coming back. Greatest comeback in history. Already planned. Nobody plans like me.”

22Peter took him aside and started arguing with him. “No way, Sir! Never! That's never going to happen to you!” Bad move, Peter. You never correct the boss in public. Or in private.

23Trump turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You're in my way. You're thinking like a loser, not like God.” Fired! Well, almost fired. He got one more chance. People don't know how generous I am.

24Then Trump said to his disciples, “You want to be on my team? I don't want the guys who are in it for themselves. I want the guys who'd take a bullet. Total loyalty. Nothing less.

25Play it safe, you lose. Every time. Go all in for me, you win. I went bankrupt four times—well, the companies did—and look at me now. Great return on investment. The best.

26You know what's a bad deal? Selling out to win. I won the whole world and never sold out once. Nobody else can say that. Nobody. My brand is priceless.

27And when I come back, with my Father, with the angels—beautiful entrance, music, lights, the whole thing—everybody's getting what they deserve. Everybody. I keep a list.

28And I'll tell you something. Some of you standing right here won't die before you see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom. Big announcement. Huge. Stay tuned, folks.”