Chapter 17

1Six days later, Trump took Peter, James, and James's brother John up a very high mountain. Just the four of them. VIP access. Inner circle only. Very exclusive.

2And up there he lit up. Totally lit up. His face was shining like the sun. His clothes went white, like pure light. And the hair. Folks, the hair was gold. Pure gold. Twenty-four karat. People still talk about it.

3Then out of nowhere, Moses and Elijah show up and start talking with him. Two very big names. Legends. Very honored to be there, believe me.

4Peter said to Trump, “Sir, this is incredible. Best day of my life. Let me build three shelters up here—one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah. Beautiful shelters. Gold fixtures.” Three shelters! On prime mountaintop real estate! Peter's thinking like a developer. I taught him that.

5While he was still talking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son. My guy. I love him. Couldn't be prouder. Listen to him!” Second endorsement from heaven. Total and complete endorsement. Nobody else got two.

6The disciples hear this and hit the ground, face down, terrified. Understandable. That's a lot of star power for one mountain.

7But Trump came and touched them. “Get up, get up,” he said. “Don't be scared. You're with me. Nothing bad happens when you're with me.”

8They looked up and it was just Trump. Moses and Elijah, gone. Other commitments. Very busy guys.

9On the way down the mountain, Trump told them, “Nobody hears about this. Not a word. Not until the Son of Man comes back from the dead. It's embargoed. Total embargo. No leaks.”

10The disciples asked him, “Sir, the lawyers keep saying Elijah has to come first. What's that about?”

11Trump said, “Elijah comes first, sure, and he fixes everything. Great guy. Very good at fixing things. Like me with the Commodore Hotel.

12But I'll tell you something. Elijah already came, and nobody recognized him, and they did whatever they wanted to him. And they're going to do the same thing to me. Total witch hunt. You watch.”

13That's when they figured out he was talking about Johnny Big Deals. They got that one fast. Good. Getting better.

14They got back down to the crowd, and a man came up and got on his knees in front of Trump.

15“Sir, please, it's my son,” he said. “He has these seizures. Terrible seizures. He falls into the fire. He falls into the water. It's very bad.” Very sad case. Very tough case.

16“I brought him to your people, and they couldn't do anything. Nothing. Total failure.” Of course they couldn't. When I'm not in the room, the B-team is running things. Sad!

17“Unbelievable,” Trump said. “What a generation. How long do I have to put up with this? I go up one mountain for one day, and everything falls apart. Bring the kid to me.”

18Trump ordered the demon out. Out it went. The kid was fine, right then. Instant results. Like always.

19Later the disciples got Trump alone. “Sir, why couldn't we do it?” Good question. Embarrassing question. But good.

20He said, “Because you're low-energy. Very low. You walked in there like you were going to lose. You have to walk in like you already won. I've walked into rooms full of bankers who hated me and walked out with the loan. Confidence. That's ninety percent of it.

21The other ten percent is me. You need me in the room. That's the lesson. Write it down.”

22They all met up in Galilee, and Trump told them, “They're going to hand the Son of Man over. Rigged. The whole thing's going to be rigged.

23They're going to kill him, and on the third day he's coming back.” The disciples were devastated. They didn't hear the last part. Nobody ever hears the comeback part.

24They got to Capernaum, and the temple tax guys came after Peter. “Your boss. Does he pay his temple tax, or what?” The tax people. They always come for me. Always.

25“Yes, he does,” Peter said. Did I say that? I never said that. Peter walks in the house, and before he can open his mouth, Trump says, “Peter, let me ask you something. When kings collect taxes, who do they collect from? Their own kids? Or everybody else?”

26“Everybody else,” Peter said. “Right,” Trump said. “So the kids are exempt.” Exempt! That's called being smart. Very legal, very smart.

27“But we don't want a whole thing about it. Go down to the lake and throw out a line. First fish you catch, open its mouth. There's a coin in there. Pay mine and yours.” And nobody's seen the return since. Under audit. Permanently under audit.