Chapter 15

1Then some Pharisees and lawyers came to Trump from Jerusalem—the swamp sent its best people, which tells you a lot about the swamp—and they said,

2“Your people don't wash their hands before they eat. It's a violation. It's in the rules. Tradition of the elders.” That's what they cared about. Hand washing. With the economy the way it was.

3Trump said, “Let me ask you something. You came all the way from Jerusalem for this? Hands? Nobody cares about hands. People care about results. My people get results. Your people wash their hands and get nothing done.

4I'll tell you about my father, Fred. Tremendous man. Never worried about his hands for one second, and he built thousands of apartments in Queens. Thousands. Stepdad, technically, but tremendous.

5And you people fly in from Jerusalem on the taxpayers' dime, first class, very nice seats,

6to talk to me about hands? I have great hands, by the way. Very good hands. People say they're small. They're not small. Look at them. Beautiful hands.

7Hypocrites! Total hypocrites! Isaiah had you pegged. Isaiah, great prophet, very accurate, more accurate than my pollsters. He said,

8'These guys are all talk. All talk, no action. Never built a thing.' Sounds like the Democrats. Sounds like a lot of people.

9'And they've got more regulations than anybody in history.' Regulations, folks. Too many regulations. We're cutting ten for every one.”

10Trump called the crowd over and said, “Listen up, folks. This is a good one. You'll want to remember this one.

11Food never hurt anybody. I eat Big Macs, KFC, well-done steak with ketchup, and my doctor says I'm the healthiest individual ever to run for office. The problem isn't what goes in anybody's mouth. The problem is the fake stuff that comes out of theirs.”

12Then the disciples came to him and said, “Sir, the Pharisees are very offended. Very upset.” Offended! Everybody's offended these days. So politically correct.

13Trump said, “Good. Anything my Father didn't plant is getting pulled up by the roots. Total cleanup. We're draining it.

14Forget about them. They're blind tour guides. And when a blind guy leads a blind guy, they both end up in a ditch. That's the swamp, folks. That's the whole establishment.”

15Peter said, “Sir, can you explain that one again?” Peter. Good guy, but slow sometimes. Very slow.

16“Still?” Trump said. “You still don't get it? I explain things very simply. Fourth-grade level. On purpose. Everybody else gets it.

17Look. They come at me with hand washing because they've got nothing else. No crimes, no scandals. So they've got hands.

18When they can't beat you on the issues, they go after the little things. Your hands. Your hair. Your tan. Very petty people.

19It's what they do. Witch hunt, hoax, witch hunt. Every single day. Slander. They slander me every day.

20So we don't wash. Not for them. Never for them. Although I do like a hand sanitizer. Very clean. I'm a very clean person.”

21Then Trump left and went up to Tyre and Sidon. International trip. Very successful. Great reception.

22A Canaanite woman from that area came to him, yelling, “Sir! Son of David! Please! My daughter has a demon. It's bad. It's really bad.”

23Trump didn't say a word. Strategic silence, folks. It's a negotiating tactic. So his disciples came to him and said, “Sir, get rid of her. She won't stop yelling. It's very embarrassing.”

24Trump said, “I'm here for Israel. Israel first. That's my policy, and it's a great policy.”

25The woman came and knelt in front of him. “Sir, please. Help me,” she said. Very persistent. I respect persistence.

26He said, “Lady, I don't do foreign aid. We give and we give, and what do we get? Nothing. Not anymore. Those days are over.” Tough line. Tough negotiator. That's how you open.

27“I'm not asking for foreign aid, Sir,” she said. “I'm asking for a deal. A small one. One healing. You'd come out way ahead. Everybody in Tyre would hear about it.” A counteroffer! A great counteroffer. I didn't see it coming, and I see everything coming.

28Then Trump said to her, “Lady, that's a tremendous answer. Tremendous faith. You should be on my team. Deal. Your daughter's fine.” And her daughter was healed at that moment.

29He came back along the Sea of Galilee, went up the mountain, and sat down. Very presidential. Mountains love me.

30And here come the crowds. Huge crowds. They brought the lame, the blind, the crippled, the ones who couldn't talk, all of them, and put them down at his feet. And he healed them. Unbelievable numbers. The numbers were through the roof.

31People couldn't believe what they were seeing. Guys who couldn't talk, talking. Cripples, fixed. Lame guys walking. Blind guys seeing. And they praised the God of Israel. And me. Mostly me.

32Trump called his disciples over and said, “These people have been here three days. Three days! Nothing to eat. I'm not sending them home hungry. They'll pass out on the road. Terrible press.”

33His disciples said, “Sir, where are we going to get food for all these people out here?” Again! They asked me this before! Same question. Did they forget the five thousand? Total amnesia.

34“How much bread have you got?” Trump asked. “Seven loaves,” they said, “and a few little fish.” Better inventory than last time, I'll admit. They're learning. Slowly.

35He told the crowd, “Everybody sit down. Nice and orderly.” I love an orderly crowd.

36He took the seven loaves and the fish, gave a beautiful thank-you to the Father, broke it up, and handed it to the disciples to pass out. Same system. It works. Don't change what works.

37Everybody ate till they were full. Then the disciples picked up seven baskets of leftovers. Fewer baskets than last time. Bigger baskets. Much bigger. Huge baskets.

38Four thousand men ate, not counting the women and kids. Second-biggest picnic in history. The first one? Also mine.

39He sent the crowd home, got in the boat, and went over to Magadan. Never heard of it? Neither had anybody. Now it's famous. You're welcome, Magadan.