Chapter 9

1And he said to them, “Let me tell you something. Some of you standing right here won't die before you see the kingdom of God come in with power. Big announcement coming. Stay tuned.”

2Six days later, Trump took Peter, James, and John up a high mountain. Just the four of them. Inner circle. VIP only. And right there in front of them, he changed.

3His clothes turned bright white, whiter than anybody on earth could bleach them. And the hair? Golden. Pure gold. People still talk about it.

4And there's Elijah and Moses, talking with Trump. Two very big names. Legends.

5Peter said to Trump, “Rabbi, this is great! Let's build three shelters, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” Building on a mountaintop. Peter's thinking like a developer. I taught him that.

6He didn't know what to say. They were all terrified. Starstruck. Very understandable.

7Then a cloud covered them, and a voice came out of the cloud, “This is my Son. I love him. Listen to him!” Another endorsement. Total and complete.

8They look around, and nobody's there. Just Trump. Moses and Elijah had other commitments.

9On the way down, Trump told them not to tell anybody what they'd seen until the Son of Man came back from the dead. Embargoed. No leaks.

10They kept their mouths shut. But they argued about what “coming back from the dead” meant. They never understood the comeback part. Never.

11And they asked him, “Sir, why do the lawyers say Elijah has to come first?”

12Trump said, “Sure, Elijah comes first and fixes everything. But then why does it say the Son of Man has to suffer a lot and get treated like garbage?

13I'm telling you, Elijah already came, and they did whatever they wanted to him, just like it was written.” Witch hunt. They do it to all the great ones.

14They get back to the other disciples, and there's a big crowd, and some lawyers arguing with them. Of course. Lawyers. Always lawyers.

15The second the crowd saw Trump, they went wild and ran over to him. Big welcome. Huge.

16“What are you arguing with them about?” he asked.

17A man in the crowd said, “Sir, I brought you my son. He's got a spirit in him that won't let him talk.

18Whenever it grabs him, it throws him on the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff. I asked your disciples to throw it out, and they couldn't.” B-team. When I'm not there, the B-team runs things. Sad.

19“Unbelievable,” Trump said. “What a generation. How long do I have to be here? How long do I have to put up with you? Bring the boy to me.”

20So they brought him. The spirit saw Trump and threw the kid into a seizure on the spot. He's on the ground, rolling around, foaming at the mouth.

21Trump asked the boy's father, “How long has this been going on?” “Since he was a little kid,” he said.

22“It's thrown him into the fire and into the water, trying to kill him. But if you can do anything, please, help us.”

23“If I can?” Trump said. “If? Of course I can. I do impossible things before breakfast. Every day.” If! Nobody says “if” to me.

24Right away the boy's father shouted, “I believe! Help me believe more!” Honest guy. I like honest guys.

25When Trump saw the crowd running over, he told the evil spirit off. “You deaf and mute spirit, I'm ordering you. Get out of him and never come back.” Deported. Permanently.

26The spirit screamed, threw the kid around, and came out. The kid lay there like a corpse. A lot of people said, “He's dead.” Fake news. Again.

27Trump took his hand and pulled him up. He stood up.

28Later, inside, the disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn't we throw it out?”

29He said, “This kind needs the A-team. You're the B-team. Work on it. Very hard work.”

30They left and went through Galilee. Trump kept it quiet. Nobody was supposed to know where they were,

31because he was teaching his disciples. He told them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed and handed over. They're going to kill him, and three days later he's coming back.”

32They didn't get it. And they were afraid to ask. Afraid to ask! Never be afraid to ask. Unless it's a stupid question.

33They got to Capernaum. Inside the house, he asks them, “What were you guys arguing about on the road?”

34Nobody said a word. Because on the road, they'd been arguing about who was the greatest. Ridiculous. The answer is me. They were arguing for second place.

35He sat down, called the Twelve over, and said, “You want to be number one? Get in line. There's a line. It's a long line. And I'm at the front of it. Permanently.”

36He took a little kid and stood him in the middle of them. Then he picked him up and said,

37“Be nice to this kid. He's going to be a donor someday. Everybody's a future donor. Never forget that.”

38“Sir,” John said, “we saw some guy throwing out demons in your name, and we told him to stop, because he's not one of us.” Unlicensed use of the brand. Trademark violation.

39“Don't stop him,” Trump said. “Nobody who does a miracle in my name is going to turn around and trash me. Free advertising. Let him go.

40If you're not with us, you're against us. Except him. He's fine.

41Let me tell you, anybody who gives you a cup of water because you're with me is definitely going to get paid back. Big reward. Very generous.

42But anybody who messes with my people—very bad idea. Big rock, around the neck, into the ocean. Very harsh. But fair.

43And if a guy on your team causes trouble, cut him loose. Fire him. Better to have one hand that works than two that leak.

44Leakers end up where the worms never die and the fire never goes out. Terrible place. Worse than Atlantic City in the off-season.

45Same with anybody who walks out on you. Cut them off. They don't come back.

46Where the worms never die and the fire never goes out. I'm repeating it because it's important. Very important.

47And if you see something that's going to bring you down—a bad deal, a bad partner, a bad lawyer—don't even look at it. Walk away.

48Where the worms never die and the fire never goes out. Three times. Three times I said it. It's a great line.

49Everybody's going to get tested. Big pressure. Salt in the wounds. Very spicy.

50You have to stay tough. Once you lose your edge, you never get it back. Stay salty. And stop fighting each other. Fight the other side.” Premium salt. The best.