Chapter 5

1They landed on the other side, in Gerasene country. Not a great area. Very rough.

2Trump's barely out of the boat and here comes a guy with an evil spirit, straight out of the graveyard.

3He lived in the tombs. Nobody could hold him down anymore. Not even with chains.

4They'd tried chains and shackles, lots of times, and he'd rip the chains apart and break the shackles. Nobody was strong enough to control him. Very strong guy. Not as strong as me.

5Night and day, out in the tombs and the hills, screaming, cutting himself with rocks. Very sad case. Very tough case.

6He spotted Trump from way off, ran over, and got down on his knees.

7And he screamed at the top of his lungs, “What do you want with me, Trump, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God you won't torture me!” A demon asking for a deal. Very weak negotiating position.

8Because Trump had been telling him, “Get out of this man, you evil spirit!”

9Then Trump asked him, “What's your name?” “My name is Legion,” he said, “because there are a lot of us.” A lot of them. Thousands. Big crowd of demons. Still smaller than my crowds.

10And he kept begging Trump not to send them out of the area. Didn't want to be deported.

11Up on the hill there was a big herd of pigs grazing.

12The demons begged him, “Send us into the pigs. Let us go into them. Please.” Begging. Very undignified.

13Trump said okay. The spirits came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd, about two thousand of them, stampeded down the hill into the lake and drowned. Two thousand pigs! That's a lot of bacon. Tragic, really. But effective.

14The pig herders ran for it and told everybody in town and out in the country. People came out to see.

15They walk up, and there's the demon guy. Sitting there. Dressed. Totally normal. And they got scared. Scared of a miracle! Very strange people.

16The witnesses told everybody about the demon guy. And the pigs. Mostly the pigs. They cared about the pigs.

17And then they started begging Trump to leave. Can you believe it? They kicked me out! Over pigs! I fixed their worst problem, and they're worried about pigs.

18As he's getting back in the boat, the guy who'd had the demons begs to come along. Big fan. Very loyal.

19Trump said no. “I need you here. Tell everybody in the Ten Cities what I did. Every town. Every village. You're my guy in the Ten Cities. Regional chairman.” Local ambassador. Very important job.

20So he went off all over the Ten Cities telling everybody what Trump did for him. People were amazed. Great word of mouth. Best advertising there is.

21Trump crossed back over, and there's a big crowd waiting for him by the lake. Again. Always.

22Then a synagogue leader named Jairus pushes through, sees Trump, and falls down at his feet.

23He begged him, “My little girl is dying. Please, come put your hands on her so she'll get better and live.” Very sad. A father. A good father.

24So Trump went with him. The crowd came too, squeezing in from every side. Very tight crowd. Very enthusiastic.

25And in that crowd was a woman who'd been bleeding for twelve years.

26She'd been through a lot of doctors and spent every penny she had, and instead of getting better, she got worse. Terrible doctors. Overpriced. Total ripoff. Healthcare, folks.

27She'd heard about Trump. So she worked her way up behind him and touched his coat.

28Because she thought, “If I can just touch his clothes, I'll be healed.” Smart lady. Very smart.

29The bleeding stopped. Right then. She could feel it. Healed. Twelve years! Gone! In one second!

30Trump felt the power go out of him. He spins around in the crowd. “Who touched my clothes?”

31“Sir, look at this crowd,” his disciples said. “Everybody's touching you. And you're asking who touched you?” Very sarcastic. Not appreciated.

32But Trump kept looking around to see who'd done it. I always find out. Always.

33Then the woman, scared and shaking, knowing exactly what had happened, came and fell at his feet and told him everything.

34He said to her, “Sweetheart, you believed, and it healed you. Go in peace. You're done with that. Totally cured.” Free of charge. No insurance needed.

35He's still talking when some people come from Jairus's house. “Your daughter's dead. Don't bother the teacher anymore.” Very negative people. Quitters.

36Trump heard them and said to Jairus, “Don't listen to them. Quitters. I've been counted out a thousand times. Never once was I out.”

37He wouldn't let anybody come except Peter, James, and James's brother John. Inner circle. Very small team.

38They get to the house and it's chaos. People crying. Wailing. Very loud. Professional criers. Very overpriced.

39He went in and said, “What's all the crying about? She's not dead. She's asleep.” Fake news! She's sleeping!

40And they laughed at him. They laughed! At Trump! But he threw them all out, took the girl's father and mother and his guys, and went in where she was.

41He took her hand and said, “Talitha koum!” which means, “Little girl, get up.” Very beautiful language. Very classy.

42And the girl got right up and started walking around. She was twelve. Everybody was blown away. Nobody laughing now.

43He gave them strict orders not to tell anybody, and told them to give her something to eat. Something good. A cheeseburger, maybe. She'd earned it.