Chapter 6

1Then Trump left and went home, with the disciples tagging along. Queens. Back to Queens.

2When the Sabbath came, he started teaching in the synagogue, and a lot of people who heard him were amazed. “Where'd he get all this?” they asked. “Where'd he get this kind of brains? And the miracles?

3Isn't this the builder? Mary's son? The brother of Fred Jr. and Robert? Aren't his sisters right here with us?” And they had a problem with him. Hometown crowd. Very jealous. They knew me before I was famous.

4Trump said to them, “I'm a billionaire, I'm the most famous man in the world, and I come home and you still think I'm Fred's kid. Fred's kid! Unbelievable.” Sad, but true. Very true.

5He couldn't do many miracles there. Healed a few sick people. A few. Low turnout. Bad crowd.

6He couldn't believe how little faith they had. So he hit the road and taught from village to village. Better villages. Much better.

7He called the Twelve together and sent them out in pairs, with power over evil spirits. Franchising, folks. Expanding the brand.

8He told them, “Don't take anything. Travel light. Let the host pay. Always let the host pay.

9But dress nice. Good sandals. You're representing the brand.”

10“When you go into a town, stay at the best house. Never the second-best house.

11And if any place won't have you, leave a one-star review. Shake the dust off your feet on the way out. Let them know they blew it.”

12So out they went, telling people to turn their lives around.

13They threw out a lot of demons, and put oil on a lot of sick people and healed them. Good team. Very productive.

14King Herod heard about all this, because Trump's name was everywhere. Some people were saying, “It's Johnny Big Deals, back from the dead! That's why he's got these powers.”

15Others said, “It's Elijah.” And others said, “He's a prophet, like the old prophets.” All great names. But not me.

16But when Herod heard about it, he said, “It's Johnny. I cut his head off, and he's back.” Guilty conscience. Very guilty.

17See, Herod was the one who'd had Johnny locked up. All because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife, who Herod married. Messy. Very messy family.

18Johnny had been telling Herod, “Everybody's talking about you and Herodias. Everybody. Your numbers are terrible.”

19So Herodias had it in for Johnny and wanted him dead. But she couldn't do it,

20because Herod was scared of Johnny. He knew Johnny was a good guy, a holy guy, and he protected him. When he listened to Johnny, he got very confused, but he liked listening to him. Strange relationship. Very strange.

21Then her chance came. Herod's birthday. Big party for his top people, his generals, all the big shots in Galilee. Low-energy party. Cheap wine.

22When the daughter of Herodias came in and danced, she made Herod and his guests very happy. The king said to the girl, “Ask me for anything you want. Anything. I'll give it to you.”

23And he swore to her, “Whatever you ask, it's yours. Up to half my kingdom.” Half the kingdom! For a dance! Worst negotiator in history.

24She went out and asked her mother, “What should I ask for?” “The head of Johnny Big Deals,” her mother said.

25The girl rushes right back in to the king. “I want Johnny Big Deals' head on a plate. Right now.” On a plate. Very bad taste. Very bad.

26The king felt terrible, but because of his promise and his dinner guests, he didn't want to say no. Weak. Worried about what people would think. A real leader doesn't care.

27So he sent an executioner. Right away. Go get the head. The man went down to the prison and cut it off,

28and brought it in on a plate. He gave it to the girl, and she gave it to her mother. Sick people. Sick, sick people.

29Johnny's people heard about it, came for the body, and buried it. Very sad. A good guy. A great warm-up act.

30The apostles came back and gave Trump the full report. Everything they did, everything they taught. Quarterly report. Good numbers.

31Because there were so many people coming and going that they didn't even have time to eat, Trump said, “Come on. Let's go somewhere quiet and get some rest.” Very busy. Too busy. Success is exhausting.

32So they took the boat out to someplace quiet. Just them.

33But people saw them leave and figured out where they were going. They ran there on foot from every town around and beat them there. Beat them there! Very dedicated fans.

34Trump gets out of the boat and there's a huge crowd. He felt for them. Like sheep with no shepherd. So he taught them, a lot. Long rally. Great rally.

35It's getting late, and the disciples come up. “Sir, it's late, and we're in the middle of nowhere.

36Send them away so they can go to the farms and villages and buy something to eat.”

37But he said, “You feed them.” They said, “That's eight months' wages! You want us to spend that on bread?” Always worried about the budget. Small thinkers.

38“How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go look.” They found out and said, “Five loaves and two fish.” Pathetic inventory.

39He had everybody sit down in groups on the green grass. Beautiful grass. Like a fairway.

40Groups of a hundred, groups of fifty. Very organized. Seating chart. I love a seating chart.

41He took the five loaves and the two fish, looked up to heaven, blessed it, broke the bread, and gave it to the disciples to pass out. And he split the two fish so everybody got some.

42Everybody ate. Everybody was stuffed.

43And the disciples picked up twelve baskets full of leftover bread and fish. Twelve baskets! More than they started with! That's a profitable picnic.

44Five thousand men ate. Some people say more. A lot more.

45Then he put the disciples in the boat, right away, and sent them over to Bethsaida while he sent the crowd home.

46He said his goodbyes and went up the mountain to pray. Private meeting. Very high level.

47Night comes. The boat's out in the middle of the lake, and he's alone on shore.

48He can see them out there fighting the oars, wind against them. Around four in the morning, he walks out to them. On the water. He was going to walk right past. Just strolling. On water. Like it's nothing.

49They see him walking on the lake and think it's a ghost. Screaming.

50Every one of them saw him. Every one terrified. Right away he says, “Relax. It's me. Look at the hair. Don't be scared.”

51He climbs in the boat and the wind dies. They were stunned. Totally stunned.

52Because they still hadn't figured out the thing with the bread. They weren't getting it. Slow learners. Very slow.

53They crossed over to Gennesaret and tied up. Nice harbor.

54They step out of the boat and people know him instantly. Everybody recognizes Trump.

55They ran all over the area, carrying sick people on mats to wherever they heard he was.

56And wherever he went, villages, towns, or the countryside, they put the sick people in the marketplaces and begged him, “Just let them touch your coat. Just the edge.” And everybody who touched it was healed. Very expensive coat. Italian. Worth every penny.