Chapter 14

1Two days before Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread. The chief priests and the lawyers were working on a sneaky way to grab Trump and kill him. Secret meetings. Back rooms. The deep state.

2“But not during the festival,” they said, “or the people will riot.” Because they knew how much the people loved me. The polls were incredible.

3Trump was in Bethany having dinner at Simon the Leper's house. Former leper. Totally clean now. And a woman walks in with a jar of very expensive perfume. Pure nard. Breaks the jar open and pours it all over his head. Expensive perfume. And on the hair. Looked fantastic.

4Some of the people at the table got very annoyed. “What a waste!

5That could've been sold for more than a year's pay and given to the poor.” And they really gave her a hard time. Small thinkers. It was an investment.

6“Leave her alone,” Trump said. “Why are you bugging her? She did a beautiful thing for me. Very classy lady.

7There's always going to be poor people, and you can help them whenever you want. But you're not always going to have me. Limited engagement.

8She did what she could. She got my body ready for my funeral ahead of time. She's the only one who listened.

9Let me tell you, wherever the good news gets told, all over the world, they'll tell what she did too.” Free publicity. Can't buy that.

10Then Judas Iscariot, one of the Twelve, went over to the chief priests to sell Trump out. Judas. Total disaster. A loser.

11They loved it and promised him money. So he started watching for his chance. Didn't even negotiate. Worst deal in history.

12First day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the day they sacrifice the Passover lamb. The disciples ask, “Sir, where do you want us to set up for the Passover dinner?” Location. Location is everything.

13So he sent two of them off with instructions. “Go into the city. A guy carrying a jug of water is going to meet you. Follow him.

14Whatever house he goes into, tell the owner, 'The boss wants to know, where's the room where he's having Passover with his people?'

15He'll show you a big room upstairs, all set up and ready. Get everything ready for us there.” Upper room. Great views. Very nice.

16They went into the city and everything was exactly the way Trump said. Exactly. He's always right. So they got dinner ready.

17That night Trump came with the Twelve.

18They're at the table eating, and he says, “Let me tell you, one of you is going to betray me. One of you eating with me right now.”

19Everybody's upset. One by one. “Not me, right? Sir, not me?”

20“It's one of the Twelve,” he said. “The guy dipping his bread in the bowl with me.” Double-dipper. Disgusting.

21“The Son of Man is going, just like it's written. But the guy who betrays him? Terrible. He'd be better off if he'd never been born.”

22In the middle of dinner, Trump picked up the bread, blessed it, broke it, and passed it around. “Take it. This is my body.” Very fit body. Healthiest ever, my doctor says.

23Then he picked up a cup, gave thanks, and passed it around, and everybody drank. Not Diet Coke. Special occasion.

24“This is my blood,” he said. “It's the new deal, poured out for a lot of people. Biggest deal ever made.

25Let me tell you, I'm not drinking wine again until the day I drink it new in the kingdom of God.” I don't drink anyway. Special exception.

26They sang a hymn and walked out to the Mount of Olives. Good singing. Not the Village People. But good.

27“You're all going to run out on me,” Trump told them. “It's written, 'Hit the shepherd, and the sheep scatter.' Fair-weather friends.

28But after I come back, I'll meet you in Galilee.” Always mention the comeback.

29Peter said, “Everybody else might run, but not me. Never.” Big promise. Peter loves big promises.

30“Let me tell you,” Trump said, “today—tonight—before the rooster crows twice, you're going to say you don't know me. Three times.” Called it. In advance.

31Peter dug in. “Even if I have to die with you, I'll never say I don't know you.” And every one of them said the same. Loyal until the subpoena.

32They got to a place called Gethsemane. Nice garden. Could be a golf course. “Sit here while I pray,” Trump said.

33He brought Peter, James, and John along, and it hit him. Very upset. Very troubled. Even the strongest have a tough night. Rare. Very rare.

34“I'm very sad,” he told them. “Sad enough to die. Stay here and stay awake.” Simple instructions. Stay awake.

35He walked a little farther, hit the ground, and prayed that if there was any way, he could skip this part.

36“Abba, Father,” he said, “you can do anything. Get me out of this. Find another way. A better deal. But not what I want. What you want.” Asked for a better deal. You always ask. But he signed.

37He comes back and they're asleep. “Simon, you're sleeping? You couldn't stay up one hour?” One hour! Sleepy Peter. Low energy.

38“Stay awake. Watch the door. Somebody's coming, and I want to know who. You all want to be loyal, but you're tired. Tired people make mistakes.” I sleep four hours and never make mistakes. Never.

39He went off again and prayed the same prayer.

40Comes back. Asleep again. Couldn't keep their eyes open. And when he woke them up, they had nothing to say. No excuse. Nothing.

41Third time he comes back. “Still sleeping? Still resting? Okay, that's it. It's time. The Son of Man is getting handed over to the bad guys.

42Get up! Let's go! Here comes the traitor!” Right on schedule. The loser.

43He's still talking when Judas walks up. One of the Twelve. With a mob behind him, swords and clubs, sent by the chief priests, the lawyers, and the elders. A raid. In the middle of the night. Like Mar-a-Lago.

44The traitor had given them a signal. “The one I kiss, that's him. Grab him and take him away. Keep him under guard.” A kiss. Very creepy.

45Judas walks straight up to Trump. “Rabbi!” And kisses him. Disgusting. No class.

46Then they grabbed Trump and arrested him.

47Somebody standing there pulls out a sword, swings at the high priest's servant, and takes his ear off. Very sloppy swordsmanship.

48“What am I, a criminal?” Trump said. “You come out here with swords and clubs to arrest me?

49I was with you in the temple every day, teaching, and you never touched me. In broad daylight! But it has to happen this way, so the Scriptures come true.” They waited for the dark. Cowards.

50And everybody ran. Every one of them. Gone. Very disloyal.

51There was a young guy following Trump, wearing nothing but a linen sheet. They grabbed him too,

52he ran off naked, leaving the sheet behind. Naked! Ran away naked! Mark put that in. Mark. Probably Mark, actually. Very embarrassing. Very weird detail. Nobody asked for it.

53They hauled Trump to the high priest. All the chief priests, elders, and lawyers were there waiting. Grand jury. Hand-picked. Rigged.

54Peter followed, way back, right into the high priest's courtyard. Sat with the guards, warming his hands by the fire. Way back. Keeping his options open. Classic Peter.

55The chief priests and the whole council were looking for evidence against Trump so they could put him to death, but they couldn't find any. None! Zero evidence! No crime!

56A lot of people lied about him, but their stories didn't match. Paid witnesses. Bad ones. Couldn't even get their stories straight.

57Then a few more got up and lied,

58“We heard him say, 'I'll tear down this temple that people built, and in three days I'll build another one, not built by people.'” And I could. Under budget and ahead of schedule.

59But even then their stories didn't match. Total mess. Worst prosecution ever.

60The high priest stands up in the middle of the room. “Nothing to say? What about all these charges?”

61Trump said nothing. Not a word. Pleading the Fifth. Very smart. So the high priest tries again. “Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?”

62“I am,” Trump said. “And you're going to see the Son of Man sitting right next to God and coming on the clouds.” Mic drop. Biggest mic drop in history.

63The high priest tore his own clothes. “Why do we need any more witnesses?” Ripped his own clothes! Very bad actor. Terrible ratings.

64“You heard the blasphemy. What do you think?” They all sentenced him to death. Unanimous. Decided before the trial started.

65Some of them started spitting on him. They blindfolded him, punched him, and said, “Prophesy! Who hit you?” And the guards took over and beat him. I know who hit me. I have a list.

66Meanwhile Peter's down in the courtyard, and one of the high priest's servant girls walks by.

67She sees him warming himself and takes a good look. “You were with him. With Trump. The guy from Queens.”

68He denied it. “I don't know what you're talking about.” And he moved out to the entryway. Never met him. Coffee boy. Barely knew him.

69The servant girl spots him there and tells everybody standing around, “This guy's one of them.”

70He denied it again. A little later the people standing there close in. “Come on, you're one of them. You're from Galilee. We can tell.” The accent. Very strong accent.

71And he starts cursing and swearing. “I don't know this guy you're talking about!” An oath! Never make an oath!

72Right then the rooster crows the second time. And Peter remembered. “Before the rooster crows twice, you're going to say you don't know me three times.” And he broke down and cried. He came back, though. Loyal in the end. Mostly.