Chapter 15

1First thing in the morning, the chief priests, the elders, the lawyers, the whole council, made their decision. They tied Trump up, marched him off, and handed him to Pilate. Pilate. Weak guy. A RINO governor.

2“Are you the King of the Deals?” Pilate asked. “That's what you're saying,” Trump answered. Doesn't confirm, doesn't deny. Lawyers hate it.

3The chief priests accused him of a lot of things. A lot. Ninety-one things, probably.

4So Pilate tries again. “Nothing to say? Look at all the charges they've got against you.”

5Trump said nothing. Pilate was amazed. Never seen anything like it. Nobody had.

6Every year at the festival, Pilate pardoned one prisoner. The people picked. Pardons. Big power. I like pardons.

7Sitting in prison was a guy named Barabbas, locked up with the rebels who'd killed people in the uprising. Real criminal. Very bad guy. Not like me.

8The crowd came up and asked Pilate for the usual pardon.

9“You want me to let the King of the Deals go?” Pilate asked.

10Because he knew the chief priests had handed Trump over out of jealousy. Pure jealousy. Everybody knew.

11But the chief priests worked the crowd. Ask for Barabbas. Not Trump. Paid crowd. Bused in. Not my crowd. Mine were much bigger.

12“Then what do I do with the one you call the King of the Deals?” Pilate asked them.

13“Crucify him!” they shouted.

14“Why?” Pilate asked. “What did he do?” No crime. There was no crime! But they shouted even louder, “Crucify him!”

15Pilate wanted the crowd happy. So Barabbas walks, and Trump gets whipped and handed over to be crucified. Afraid of the crowd. Not a leader. Witch hunt. The greatest witch hunt in history.

16The soldiers hauled Trump into the palace, the governor's headquarters, and brought in the whole unit. Hundreds of soldiers. For one man. That's how scared they were.

17They threw a purple robe on him, twisted thorns into a crown, and jammed it on his head. Purple. Royal color. Looked great, frankly.

18Then they start saluting. “All hail the King of the Deals!” They meant it as a joke. It was true. Joke's on them.

19They kept hitting him on the head with a stick. Spitting on him. Then down on their knees, pretending to worship him. Very low-class. Disgusting.

20When they got bored, they pulled off the purple robe, put his own clothes back on him, and marched him out to be crucified. They took the mug shot too. Best mug shot ever. Sold a lot of shirts.

21On the way they grabbed a guy coming in from the country, Simon from Cyrene, Alexander and Rufus's dad, and made him carry the cross. Strong guy. Good worker. I'd hire him.

22They brought Trump to a place called Golgotha, which means “Skull Place.” Terrible name. Worst branding ever. Nobody's putting that on a hotel.

23They offered him wine with myrrh in it. He wouldn't touch it. I don't drink. Never. Not even then.

24Then they crucified him. And rolled dice for his clothes. Gambling over the suit! Brioni! Very expensive suit.

25Nine in the morning, when they nailed him up.

26The sign with the charge against him said, THE KING OF THE DEALS. All caps. Big letters. Accidentally great branding.

27Two rebels went up with him, one on each side. Center stage. Even then. Always center.

28And so the Scripture came true that said, “He was counted with the criminals.” Rigged. Totally rigged. But it was in the plan.

29People walking by threw insults and shook their heads. “Ha! You were going to tear down the temple and build it in three days?

30Then come down off the cross and save yourself!” Hecklers. Every rally has them.

31The chief priests and the lawyers got in on it too. Laughing with each other. “He saved everybody else, but he can't save himself!

32Let this Messiah, this king of Israel, come down off the cross, so we can see it and believe.” They wouldn't have believed. Haters never do. The rebels crucified with him insulted him too. Even the criminals! Ungrateful.

33At noon, the whole land went dark. Stayed dark till three. Total blackout. The sun refused to watch.

34Three o'clock, Trump shouted, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” That means, “My God, my God, why did you leave me?” The hardest day. Even the greatest have one. Just one. This was it.

35Some of the people standing there heard it. “Listen, he's calling Elijah.” Wrong. Fake news, even at the cross.

36Somebody ran, soaked a sponge in cheap sour wine, stuck it on a stick, and held it up to him. “Leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down.” Vinegar. Not even a Diet Coke.

37Then one loud cry, and Trump died. And the whole world went quiet. For a little while. Only a little while.

38The curtain in the temple ripped in half, top to bottom. The temple redecorated itself. Very dramatic renovation.

39The centurion was standing right in front of him and saw how he died. “That guy was the real deal. He really was the Son of God.” Military guys. They always get it.

40Some women were watching from a distance. Mary Magdalene. Mary, the mother of James the younger and Joses. And Salome.

41In Galilee these women had followed him and taken care of him. A lot of other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were there too. The women stayed. More loyal than the men, frankly.

42It was the day before the Sabbath. Prep day. So as it got dark,

43Joseph of Arimathea shows up. Big member of the council. He'd been waiting for the kingdom of God. He worked up the guts to go to Pilate and ask for Trump's body. A council member! From the inside! Not everybody in the swamp is swamp.

44Pilate couldn't believe he was already dead. He called in the centurion. “Has he been dead long?”

45The centurion said yes. So Pilate gave Joseph the body. Pilate said yes to everybody. No backbone.

46Joseph bought linen, took the body down, wrapped it up, and laid it in a tomb cut out of the rock. Then he rolled a stone across the door. Brand-new tomb. Luxury tomb. Short-term rental, as it turned out.

47Mary Magdalene and Mary, Joses's mother, watched where they put him. They knew. They had faith. Folks, wait till you see what happens next.