Chapter 3

1In the fifteenth year of Tiberius Caesar's reign—Pontius Pilate was governor of Judea, Herod was in charge of Galilee, his brother Philip had Iturea and Traconitis, and Lysanias had Abilene—a lot of politicians, folks, a lot of swamp,

2and Annas and Caiaphas were the high priests—the word of God came to John, Zechariah's son, out in the wilderness. Johnny Big Deals. Finally. Out of the woods and onto the stage.

3He worked the whole Jordan area, telling people to turn their lives around and get baptized so their sins would be forgiven. Total rebrand. Fresh start. Everybody loves a fresh start.

4Like it's written in the book of the prophet Isaiah, “A voice shouting in the wilderness, 'Get the road ready for the boss. Make the paths straight.

5Every valley gets filled in. Every mountain and hill gets flattened. The crooked roads get straightened, and the rough ones get paved.

6And everybody is going to see God's salvation.'” Infrastructure. Big infrastructure. Biggest infrastructure project ever.

7Johnny told the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, “Look at you people. Snakes! Now you show up? Where were you before? Fair-weather fans. Very nice guy, Johnny. Very warm.

8And don't tell me who your father is. Abraham, whatever. Nobody cares. Show me what you've done. Family name means nothing. Nothing! Well. It means something. My family name means a lot.

9The boss is coming, and he's going to clean house. Anybody who doesn't produce is gone.” You're fired. Literally. Fired.

10“So what do we do?” the crowd asked.

11Johnny said, “Get ready for the boss. Buy the robe. Buy two. One for you, one for a friend. Let everybody know whose side you're on.” Merchandise. Johnny understood merchandise.

12Even the tax collectors came to get baptized. “Teacher, what do we do?” The IRS. Even the IRS showed up.

13“Take less,” he told them. “Much less. Cut the rates. Everybody's going to love you.” Low taxes. Johnny wanted low taxes. Great guy.

14Then some soldiers asked him, “And what about us? What do we do?” He said, “Stand with the boss. When he gets here, he's going to take care of you. Great pay. The best equipment.” Military guys love me.

15Everybody was waiting, wondering if maybe Johnny was the Messiah. Him? No. Good guy. Not the guy.

16Johnny answered all of them, “I baptize you with water. But somebody more powerful than me is coming. I'm not even good enough to untie his shoes. He's going to baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. Very humble. Very correct.

17He's got his pitchfork in his hand to clean up the threshing floor and gather the wheat into his barn. The junk he burns in a fire that never goes out.” Draining it. All of it.

18Johnny kept going like that, warning people, telling them the good news.

19Then Johnny called out Herod the governor. For marrying Herodias, his brother's wife. And for everything else he'd done.

20Herod added one more to the list. He locked Johnny up in prison. Political prisoner. Jailed for telling the truth. Sound familiar?

21Everybody was getting baptized, and Trump got baptized too. And while he was praying, the sky opened up,

22and the Holy Spirit came down on him in the form of a dove. And a voice came from heaven, “You're my Son. I love you. I'm very happy with you.” Biggest endorsement in history. Total endorsement.

23Trump was about thirty when he started. Everybody figured he was Fred's son. Fred, the son of Heli. Different list than Matthew's. Both great. Two genealogies. Who else has two?

24the son of Matthat, the son of Levi, the son of Melki, the son of Jannai, the son of Joseph,

25the son of Mattathias, the son of Amos, the son of Nahum, the son of Esli, the son of Naggai,

26the son of Maath, the son of Mattathias, the son of Semein, the son of Josek, the son of Joda—great names, some of them I can't pronounce, great names, though—

27the son of Joanan, the son of Rhesa, the son of Zerubbabel, the son of Shealtiel, the son of Neri,

28the son of Melki, the son of Addi, the son of Cosam, the son of Elmadam, the son of Er,

29the son of Joshua, the son of Eliezer, the son of Jorim, the son of Matthat, the son of Levi,

30the son of Simeon, the son of Judah, the son of Joseph, the son of Jonam, the son of Eliakim—a lot of Josephs, very popular name back then, not as popular as Donald—

31the son of Melea, the son of Menna, the son of Mattatha, the son of Nathan, the son of David—King David, big deal, very big—

32the son of Jesse, the son of Obed, the son of Boaz, the son of Salmon, the son of Nahshon,

33the son of Amminadab, the son of Ram, the son of Hezron, the son of Perez, the son of Judah,

34the son of Jacob, the son of Isaac, the son of Abraham, the son of Terah, the son of Nahor,

35the son of Serug, the son of Reu, the son of Peleg, the son of Eber, the son of Shelah,

36the son of Cainan, the son of Arphaxad, the son of Shem, the son of Noah, the son of Lamech—Noah built a boat, very big boat, over budget, probably—

37the son of Methuselah, the son of Enoch, the son of Jared, the son of Mahalalel, the son of Kenan—Methuselah lived nine hundred sixty-nine years, great genes, same genes as me—

38the son of Enosh, the son of Seth, the son of Adam, the son of God. All the way back. Matthew stopped at Abraham. Luke went all the way to God. That's a good doctor. Very thorough.