Chapter 4

1Trump came back from the Jordan full of the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit took him straight out into the wilderness. The rematch. Satan wanted a rematch.

2Forty days of the devil testing him. Forty days, nothing to eat. When it was over, he was hungry. Forty days. No McDonald's. No Diet Coke. Unbelievable discipline.

3The devil said to him, “If you're the Son of God, tell this rock to turn into bread.”

4Trump answered, “I don't take orders from losers. And I don't eat rocks. I eat at the best restaurants. Who are you to tell me I'm hungry?” Bread. He thought I'd fold for bread. I wouldn't fold for a Big Mac.

5Then the devil took him way up high and flashed every kingdom in the world in front of him. All at once. Very fast. Like a slideshow. Bad slideshow.

6He said to him, “I'll give you all their power and all their glory. It's all been handed over to me, and I can give it to whoever I want.

7So if you worship me, it's all yours.” Terrible offer. Worst offer I've ever heard. And I've heard offers from Atlantic City.

8Trump answered, “Worship you? You lost heaven. You got thrown out. I don't worship losers. I worship one guy, my Father, and he's a winner. And I don't need your kingdoms. I'll build my own. Better ones.” Walked away from the table. The art of the deal. Always be ready to walk.

9Then the devil took him to Jerusalem and stood him on the very top of the temple. “If you're the Son of God, jump off.

10It's written, 'He'll command his angels to protect you.

11They'll catch you in their hands so you don't even hit your foot on a rock.'” Quoting Scripture. The devil quoting Scripture. Like a lawyer. Exactly like a lawyer.

12Trump answered, “I don't jump. People jump for me. Nice try. Very weak.”

13That was it. Every test, done. The devil left to wait for a better opening. Three rounds. Three knockouts. He'll be back. Losers always come back.

14Trump went back to Galilee with the power of the Spirit, and the whole area was buzzing about him. Huge buzz. Everybody talking.

15He taught in their synagogues, and everybody raved. Five-star reviews. All of them.

16Then he went home to Queens, where he grew up. Sabbath comes, he goes to the synagogue like always, and stands up to read.

17They hand him the scroll of Isaiah. He unrolls it to the spot that says,

18“The Spirit of the Lord is on me. Me! Not the other guys. He picked me to bring the good news to the forgotten men and women. Pardons for the prisoners. Total pardons. For the blind, they're going to see who's been lying to them.

19It's going to be the greatest year in history.” Isaiah wrote some of it. I improved the rest. Much better delivery.

20He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. Every eye in the room was on him. Every one. Total silence.

21He said to them, “Today, this came true, right in front of you. It's me. I'm the guy.”

22Everybody's buzzing, amazed at the great words coming out of his mouth. “Isn't this Fred's son?” Fred's kid. The real estate guy's kid.

23Trump said to them, “I know you're going to quote that saying at me, 'Doctor, heal yourself.' And you'll say, 'Do the stuff here in your hometown that we heard you did in Capernaum.' Show us the tricks. Do a trick, Donald.

24Let me tell you,” he said, “nobody likes a prophet from their own hometown. Never. It's always the people who knew you in high school.

25Let me tell you about Elijah. Great prophet. When the famine hit, did he do a show for his hometown? No.

26He went to Sidon. Out of state. Better crowds. Much better.

27And Elisha, same thing. Healed a Syrian. A Syrian! You know why? The Syrians appreciated him. You people never appreciated anybody.” Foreigners got the miracles. The hometown got nothing. Sad.

28The whole synagogue went crazy. Furious. Very thin-skinned. The thinnest skin.

29They jumped up, chased him out of town, and dragged him to the edge of the hill the town was built on to throw him off. Queens doesn't even have cliffs. They found one. That's how mad they were.

30And he walked right through the middle of them and kept going. Right through them. Didn't break a sweat. Didn't mess up the hair.

31Then he went down to Capernaum, a town in Galilee, and taught there on the Sabbath. Waterfront. Very nice. Big potential.

32People couldn't believe it. He talked like a guy in charge. Commander in chief energy.

33In the synagogue there's a man with a demon in him. An evil spirit. And he starts screaming at the top of his lungs,

34“Go away! What do you want with us, Trump of Queens? Did you come to destroy us? I know who you are. The Holy One of God!” Even the demons knew. Demons have better information than CNN.

35“Quiet!” Trump said. “Get out of him!” The demon threw the guy down in front of everybody and came out. Didn't hurt him at all. Quiet, piggy. Very effective.

36Everybody's looking at each other. “What kind of talk is this? He gives orders to evil spirits with authority and power, and they come out!” Total authority. Executive orders. For demons.

37Word spread to every corner of the area. Every place. Total coverage.

38From the synagogue he went to Simon's house. Simon's mother-in-law was very sick, high fever, and they asked Trump to help. The Rock's mother-in-law. Very nice woman, I'm told.

39He stood over her and ordered the fever out. Gone. She got right up and started serving everybody. Back to work immediately. Great work ethic. I'd hire her.

40At sunset, everybody brought their sick to him. Every kind of disease. He put his hands on every one of them and healed them. Every one. Best health care plan ever. Better than Obamacare. Way better.

41Demons were coming out of people left and right, shouting, “You're the Son of God!” He shut them down. Wouldn't let them talk. They knew he was the Messiah. Didn't want the demon endorsement. Bad optics.

42At daybreak Trump slipped off to someplace quiet. The crowds hunted him down and tried to keep him from leaving. They didn't want him to go. Nobody ever wants me to go.

43But he said, “I have to bring the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns too. That's why I was sent.” National tour. Fifty-state strategy.

44And he kept on going, synagogue to synagogue in Judea. Rally after rally. Never stopped.