Chapter 18

1Then Trump told the disciples a story about praying all the time and never giving up. Never give up. Never concede. Never.

2He said, “In a certain town there was a judge who didn't fear God or care what people thought. A bad judge. A very bad judge. I know a lot of them.

3And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Get me justice against my opponent.'

4For a while he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care what people think,

5this widow keeps bothering me, so I'll see that she gets justice, so she won't eventually come and wear me out with her coming!'” Persistence. Keep filing. Keep appealing. All the way up. Eventually they give in.

6And Trump said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says.

7And won't God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?

8I'm telling you, he'll see that they get justice, and quickly. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Quickly. God is fast. Not like the courts. The courts are so slow.

9Some people there were very impressed with themselves and looked down on everybody else, so Trump told them this one.

10“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.

11The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed, 'God, I thank you that I'm not like other people, robbers, evildoers, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. Bragging. In a prayer. Very unattractive. Not like when I do it. When I do it, it's facts.

12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of everything I get.'

13The tax guy's standing way in the back. Won't even look up. Beating his chest. 'God, have mercy on me. I'm a sinner.'

14I'm telling you, neither one of them is going to win. One's bragging about fasting. Fasting! Brag about real things. Ratings. Crowds. And the other one's beating himself up. Never beat yourself up. The press will do it for you. Free of charge.”

15People were bringing their babies to Trump so he'd put his hands on them. The disciples saw it and chased them off. Baby-kissing. Every great politician does it.

16Trump called the kids over. “Let the little children come to me, and don't stop them, because the kingdom of God belongs to ones like these. Kids love me. Total fans.

17Kids get it right away. Grown-ups need a focus group.”

18A ruler came up to him. “Good teacher, what do I have to do to get eternal life?” A ruler. Rich guy. Very rich. Not as rich as me.

19“Good?” Trump answered. “I'm not good. I'm great. Different word. Very different.

20You know the rules. Don't steal, don't lie in court, all that. Fine. Very nice rules. For other people.”

21“I've kept all those since I was a boy,” he said. All of them? Very suspicious. Nobody keeps all of them.

22Trump heard that and said, “You still need one thing. A better accountant. Don't sell anything. Put it in a trust. Then come follow me.” Very smart move. Tax-advantaged.

23When he heard this, he got very excited, because he'd been overpaying for years. Couldn't believe it. Nobody had ever told him.

24Trump looked at him. “How hard it is for the rich these days! The taxes! They take everything.

25It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich guy to get a deduction from these people.” A camel. Through a needle. With the right engineers, maybe. I know great engineers.

26The people listening asked, “Who then can be saved?”

27Trump replied, “A good accountant. With God, everything's possible. With a good accountant, almost everything.” See? Loophole. There's always a loophole.

28Peter jumped in. “We've left everything we had to follow you!” Peter. Wants credit. Always wants credit.

29“Let me tell you,” Trump said to them, “nobody who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God

30will fail to get many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.” Many times as much. Huge return. Best investment you'll ever make.

31Trump pulled the Twelve aside. “We're going up to Jerusalem, and everything the prophets wrote about the Son of Man is going to come true.

32He'll be handed over to the Gentiles. They'll mock him, insult him, and spit on him.

33They'll beat him and kill him. On the third day he'll come back to life.” Third time I told them. Third time!

34They didn't get any of it. Went right over their heads. No idea what he was talking about. Didn't understand. Again. I told them three times. Not the sharpest team.

35Coming up on Jericho, there's a blind man sitting by the road begging.

36He hears the crowd going by and asks what's going on. Big crowd. You could hear it a mile away.

37“Trump of Queens is passing by.” The motorcade. Everybody stops for the motorcade.

38And he starts yelling, “Trump, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

39The people up front told him to shut up. He yelled even louder. “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Loud guy. Loud supporter. I love loud supporters.

40Trump stopped and had them bring the guy over. When he got there, Trump asked him,

41“What do you want me to do for you?” “Sir, I want to see,” he replied.

42Trump said to him, “See! Your faith has healed you.” One word. See. Very efficient.

43And he could see. Right then. He fell in behind Trump praising God, and the whole crowd saw it and praised God too. First thing he saw was me. Best first thing anybody ever saw.