Chapter 17

1Trump said to his disciples, “Things that make people trip up are going to happen, but too bad for the person who causes them. Very bad. Very bad for them.

2It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to trip up. Millstone. Heavy. Very heavy. Sinks fast.

3So watch yourselves. If somebody does you wrong, call them out. Publicly. Very publicly.

4And if they come back and apologize seven times in one day? Seven apologies? Nobody apologizes seven times. I've never apologized once. Fire them after two.”

5The apostles said to Trump, “Give us more faith!”

6He replied, “You want faith? Act like you already won. Walk up to that mulberry tree and talk to it like you own it. It'll pull itself up and jump in the sea. Trees love me. I've planted a lot of trees on my golf courses.

7Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'?

8Won't he rather say, 'Make my dinner, get yourself ready, and wait on me while I eat and drink. After that you can eat and drink'? Boss eats first. That's the rule.

9Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? Doing your job. That's what you get paid for. No trophy.

10So you also, when you've done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We're just servants. We've only done our job.'” No participation trophies. Very important lesson.

11On the way to Jerusalem, Trump went along the border between Samaria and Galilee.

12Coming into a village, ten guys with leprosy meet him. They stay back, at a distance,

13and called out in a loud voice, “Trump, Sir, have pity on us!” Social distancing. They kept their distance. Very responsible.

14He sees them and says, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And on the way, every one of them got clean. All ten. Ten for ten. Perfect record.

15One of them looks down, sees he's healed, and turns right around, praising God at the top of his lungs.

16He throws himself down at Trump's feet and thanks him. And he was a Samaritan. One. Only one said thank you. And he was the Samaritan.

17Trump asked, “Weren't all ten cleaned up? Where are the other nine? Ten healed. One thank-you card. Very ungrateful people.

18Hasn't anybody come back to give praise to God except this foreigner?” A foreigner! The foreigner had better manners. Very embarrassing for the other nine.

19Then he said to him, “Get up. You're the only one with manners. You're getting a thank-you note back. Signed. Very valuable.”

20One time the Pharisees asked Trump when the kingdom of God was coming. He said, “The kingdom of God doesn't come with stuff you can watch for,

21and people won't say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is in the middle of you.” It's here. Right here. I'm standing right here.

22Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you'll want to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you won't see it. You'll miss me. Everybody misses me. They always miss me when I'm gone.

23People will tell you, 'There he is!' or 'Here he is!' Don't go running off after them. Fake sightings. Impersonators.

24Because the Son of Man in his day will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. Big entrance. Very big. Everybody sees it.

25But first he has to suffer a lot and be rejected by this generation.

26Just like it was in the days of Noah, so it'll be in the days of the Son of Man.

27People were eating, drinking, marrying, and being given in marriage up to the day Noah went into the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed all of them. Ignored the forecast. Noah had the forecast. Nobody listened.

28It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. Buying, selling, building. Good economy. Strong economy. Then it ended.

29But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed all of them.

30It'll be just like that on the day the Son of Man is revealed.

31On that day nobody who's on the roof, with their stuff inside, should go down to get it. Likewise, nobody in the field should go back for anything.

32Remember Lot's wife! Looked back. Turned into salt. Never look back. I've been saying it for years.

33The guys who play it safe always lose. Always. The guys who go all in come out on top.

34I'm telling you, on that night two people will be in one bed. One will be taken and the other left.

35Two women will be grinding grain together. One will be taken and the other left.

36Two men will be in the field. One will be taken and the other left.” Fifty-fifty. Bad odds. Get on the right side.

37“Where, Sir?” they asked. He replied, “Where there's a dead body, that's where the vultures will gather.” The vultures. The media. Always circling.