Chapter 19

1Then Trump rolled into Jericho and was passing through town.

2There's a guy there named Zacchaeus. Head tax collector. Rich. Head of the IRS, basically. Rich, too. Very suspicious.

3He wants to get a look at Trump, but he's short and can't see over the crowd. Little Zacchaeus. Very short. Like Little Marco. Couldn't see over anybody.

4So he runs on ahead and climbs a sycamore tree along the route. Climbed a tree! To see me! That's dedication. Better seats than the press pool.

5Trump gets to the tree, looks up, and says, “Zacchaeus, come down right now. I'm staying at your house today.” Invited myself. When you're a star, they let you do it.

6He scrambles down and welcomes him in, thrilled. Biggest day of his life.

7Everybody watching starts grumbling. “He's gone to be the guest of a sinner.” A tax guy. Staying with a tax guy. I know how to deal with tax guys. Very well.

8Zacchaeus stands right up in front of everybody. “Look, Sir! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I've cheated anybody out of anything, I'll pay back four times the amount.” Four times! Great settlement. Best settlement I ever got out of the IRS.

9Trump said to him, “Today this house got a great deal. Four times! Did everybody hear that? Four times!

10The Son of Man came to find guys like this and get the money back.”

11They're all listening, and since they were getting close to Jerusalem and everybody figured the kingdom of God was about to show up any minute, he told them another story.

12“A guy from a very good family went off to a faraway country to get himself crowned king, and then come back. Great family. Very good blood. Going to get the crown.

13Before he left, he called in ten of his people and gave each of them some money. 'Put this to work until I get back.' Seed money. Investment capital. Show me what you can do.

14But the people back home hated him. They sent a delegation after him: 'We don't want this guy as our king.' Haters. A delegation of haters. Very organized haters.

15He got the crown anyway and came home. And he called in the guys he'd given the money to, to see what they'd made. Won anyway. The haters lost. Now the audit.

16The first one came and said, 'Sir, your mina has earned ten more.' Ten times! A thousand percent return! Hire this guy.

17'Well done, my good servant!' his master replied. 'Because you've been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.' Promoted. Ten cities. Huge promotion. Earned it.

18The second came and said, 'Sir, your mina has earned five more.'

19His master answered, 'You take charge of five cities.' Five cities. Still good. Very good.

20Then another servant came and said, 'Sir, here's your mina. I've kept it put away in a piece of cloth. In a cloth! Didn't even put it in a bank! Not even a savings account!

21I was scared of you, because you're a hard man. You take out what you didn't put in and harvest what you didn't plant.' Hard man. Tough negotiator. That's a compliment. He meant it as an insult. It's a compliment.

22His master replied, 'I'll judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I'm a hard man, taking out what I didn't put in and harvesting what I didn't plant?

23Why didn't you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?' Interest! At least get interest! Bare minimum!

24Then he said to those standing by, 'Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.' You're fired. Give it to the winner.

25'Sir,' they said, 'he already has ten!'

26He replied, 'I'm telling you, to everybody who has, more will be given, but for the one who has nothing, even what they have will be taken away. Winners win more. That's capitalism. That's the Bible. Same thing.

27But those enemies of mine who didn't want me to be king over them, bring them here and kill them in front of me.'” Very harsh. Very harsh parable. Not my parable. Well. My parable.

28Then Trump kept going, out in front, up to Jerusalem. Big entrance coming. The biggest.

29Getting close to Bethphage and Bethany, by the Mount of Olives, he sent two of the disciples ahead with instructions.

30“Go to the village ahead of you, and as you go in, you'll find a colt tied there that nobody has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here.

31If anybody asks you, 'Why are you untying it?' say, 'Mr. Trump needs it.'” Mr. Trump needs it. Works every time. Opens every door.

32They went and found it exactly the way he said.

33They're untying the colt, and the owners say, “Why are you untying the colt?”

34They replied, “Mr. Trump needs it.” See? Worked. Told you.

35They brought it back, threw their coats over it, and got Trump up on it. A colt. Not a limo. But a very nice colt.

36And as he rode along, people threw their coats down on the road. Red carpet. Made of coats. Very nice gesture.

37Coming down the slope of the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples starts shouting, praising God at the top of their lungs for every miracle they'd seen. Huge crowd. Loudest crowd. Record decibels.

38“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” Make the kingdom great again! They were chanting it. You could hear it for miles.

39Some Pharisees in the crowd tell him, “Teacher, tell your disciples to quiet down!” Too loud. The swamp hates loud.

40“I'm telling you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” Even the rocks support me. Big rock support. Huge.

41He came over the hill, saw the city, and cried over it.

42and said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace! But now it's hidden from your eyes. Great city. Badly run. Very sad.

43The days will come on you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and surround you and close you in on every side.

44They'll smash you to the ground, you and the children inside your walls. They won't leave one stone on another, because you didn't recognize the time God came to you.” Didn't recognize me. Biggest mistake a city ever made.

45Then he walked into the temple and started throwing out the sellers. Cleaning house. Draining the swamp. Literally.

46“It's written,” he said to them, “'My house will be a house of prayer,' but you've made it a den of robbers.” My Father's house. Prime property. And they're running a flea market.

47He taught in the temple every day. Meanwhile, the chief priests, the lawyers, and the big shots were working on how to kill him. The establishment. Plotting. All day long.

48They couldn't figure out a way. The people were hanging on his every word. Couldn't touch me. The people loved me too much. Highest approval ratings in the history of the temple.