Chapter 16

1Trump told his disciples, “A rich guy had a manager, and somebody told him the manager was wasting his money. My favorite parable. You'll see why.

2So he called him in and asked him, 'What's this I'm hearing about you? Turn in the books. You can't be my manager anymore.' You're fired. Classic.

3The manager's thinking, 'What do I do now? I'm losing my job. I can't dig ditches. I'm too proud to beg.

4I know what I'll do, so that when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.' Thinking ahead. Networking. Very smart.

5So he calls in everybody who owes his boss money, one by one. First guy: 'How much do you owe my boss?'

6'Nine hundred gallons of olive oil,' he answered. The manager told him, 'Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred fifty.' Renegotiated. Fifty percent off. On somebody else's books.

7Then he asked the second, 'And how much do you owe?' 'A thousand bushels of wheat,' he answered. He told him, 'Take your bill and make it eight hundred.' Twenty percent off. Different deals for different people. Very sophisticated.

8The boss praised the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. The people of this world are smarter in dealing with their own kind than the people of the light. He praised him! The boss praised him! Because it was a great deal. Shrewd. I respect shrewd.

9I'm telling you, use worldly wealth to make friends for yourselves, so that when it's gone, you'll be welcomed into eternal homes. Money buys friends. In heaven too. Great system.

10Never hire the guy who steals small. Hire the guy who does deals big.

11If he can make a deal like that on somebody else's books, imagine what he'll do with his own.

12And if you haven't been trustworthy with somebody else's property, who will give you property of your own? Property. I know property. Best property guy ever.

13No servant can serve two bosses. Either you'll hate the one and love the other, or you'll be devoted to the one and look down on the other. You can't serve both God and money.” You can serve God and have money. That's different. Very different. Read the fine print.

14The Pharisees heard all this and sneered at him. They loved money. They loved money. Hypocrites. At least I'm honest about it.

15He said to them, “You're the ones who make yourselves look good in front of people, but God knows your hearts. What people think is great, God hates. Virtue signaling. God sees through it.

16The Law and the Prophets were proclaimed until Johnny. Since then, the good news of the kingdom of God is being preached, and everybody is forcing their way into it. Forcing their way in. That's how popular it is. Line around the block.

17It's easier for heaven and earth to disappear than for the smallest stroke of a pen to drop out of the Law. Every word. Every letter. Strong contract.

18Anybody who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Next topic. Moving on. Very quickly moving on.

19“There was a rich guy. Dressed in purple, fine linen. Lived it up every single day. Purple. Fine linen. Good taste, actually.

20And sitting at his gate every day was a poor guy named Lazarus, covered in sores,

21hoping for scraps off the rich guy's table. Dogs would come and lick his sores. Dogs. Very sad. Should have hired security for the gate.

22Then the poor guy died, and the angels carried him off to sit with Abraham. The rich guy died too and got buried. Everybody dies. Even the rich. Very unfair.

23The rich guy's down below, in torment. He looks up and way off in the distance he sees Abraham, with Lazarus right next to him.

24So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I'm in agony in this fire.' Still giving orders. In hell. Still trying to give orders. Respect it, kind of.

25But Abraham replied, 'Son, you had a great life. Purple, fine linen, very nice. But you never put a guard on the gate. Every day this guy is sitting out there with the dogs. Very bad optics. Terrible optics. That's what got you.' Bad optics. It's always the optics.

26And besides all this, between us and you there's a big gap that's been put in place, so that people who want to go from here to you can't, and nobody can cross over from there to us.' A wall. A big, beautiful wall. Even in the afterlife. Walls work.

27He answered, 'Then I'm begging you, father, send Lazarus to my family,

28I've got five brothers. Have him warn them, so they don't end up down here too.' Five brothers. Thinking about family. Good. At least that.

29Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets. Let them listen to them.'

30'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if somebody from the dead goes to them, they'll turn their lives around.'

31He said to him, 'If they don't listen to Moses and the Prophets, they won't be convinced even if somebody comes back from the dead.'” Somebody did come back from the dead. And they still didn't believe it. Fake news. Even then.