Chapter 6

1Some time later, Trump crossed to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. The Sea of Tiberias. Two names. Rebranded. Somebody put Tiberius's name on it. Smart.

2A huge crowd kept following him, because they'd seen him healing the sick. Huge crowd. Following me everywhere.

3Trump went up the mountain and sat down with the disciples.

4Passover was coming up.

5Trump looks up and sees this enormous crowd coming, and he turns to Philip. “Look at that crowd. Biggest crowd ever. Who's doing the catering?”

6It was a test. He already knew what he was going to do. Test question. I always know the answer.

7Philip said, “Sir, I ran the numbers. We'd need six months of payroll just to give everybody a cracker. We're going to be in the red.” Philip. The accountant. Very negative.

8Then Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, pipes up,

9“There's a kid here with five little loaves and two little fish. That's the whole inventory. I'm just saying.” Small business. Very small.

10Trump said, “Sit them down. Everybody sit. Nice and organized.” Lots of grass there. They all sat down, about five thousand men. Five thousand men. Plus women and children. They never count right. Fifty thousand. At least.

11Trump took the loaves, gave thanks, and passed them out to everybody sitting there, as much as they wanted. Fish too. All you can eat. The best buffet.

12When everybody was full, he told his disciples, “Get the leftovers. All of it. We don't waste food. My father never wasted anything.” Fred hated waste.

13They went around and filled twelve baskets with the leftovers from those five barley loaves. Twelve baskets. Trump math. Better than math.

14People saw what he did and started saying, “This is the guy! This is the one we've been waiting for!”

15Trump could see they were about to grab him and make him king by force. So he slipped off up the mountain alone. They wanted to make me king. By force! I said no. Very humble. For now.

16That evening the disciples went down to the lake,

17got in a boat, and started across to Capernaum. Dark out. Trump still hadn't shown up.

18The wind picked up. Big wind. Rough water.

19They'd rowed three or four miles when they see Trump walking toward the boat. On the water. And they're terrified. Walking on water. Fake news said I can't. I can.

20He said, “Relax. It's me. Who else would it be?”

21They hauled him into the boat, and boom, they're at the shore. Instant arrival. Faster than Air Force One.

22Next day, the crowd on the other side figures out there'd only been one boat there, and Trump didn't get in it with the disciples.

23Some boats came in from Tiberias, near where they'd all eaten the bread after Trump gave thanks.

24The crowd saw that Trump and the disciples were both gone, so they piled into the boats and went to Capernaum looking for him. Chasing me. By boat. Boat parades. They love boat parades.

25They find him. “Sir, how did you get over here? There was no boat!”

26Trump said, “Let's be honest. You're not here for the miracles. You're here because you got a free lunch and you want another one. I know a free-lunch crowd when I see one.

27Stop chasing bread that goes stale. I've got the kind that doesn't. Lifetime supply. My Father put his seal on it. Gold seal. Official.”

28They asked, “Okay, what do we have to do? What's the work?”

29Trump said, “The work is believing in me. That's the job. Easiest job you'll ever have.”

30So they said, “Then show us something. A sign. Something big.” They just ate the sign! Yesterday! Short memories.

31“Moses gave our ancestors bread from the sky every morning. Now that was a sign. What have you got?”

32Trump said, “Moses gets way too much credit. That wasn't Moses. That was my Father. Give credit where it's due. And now he's sending the real bread. The premium bread.

33The real bread comes down from heaven and keeps the whole world alive.”

34“Sir,” they said, “sign us up. Whatever it is, we want it every day.”

35Trump said, “You're looking at it. I'm the bread. Stick with me and you'll never be hungry, never be thirsty. Better than a Big Mac. And I love a Big Mac.

36But I already told you. You've seen me, and you still don't buy it.

37Everybody my Father sends me shows up, and I never turn anybody away. Never. I never turn away a supporter.

38I didn't come down here to do my own thing. I came to do what the boss wants.

39And what he wants is that I don't lose a single one of the people he gave me. Not one. Then I bring them all back on the last day. No voter left behind.

40Anybody who looks at me and believes gets eternal life, and I personally raise them up on the last day. Personally. I'll be there.”

41The leaders start grumbling, because he said he was the bread from heaven. Grumbling. Always grumbling.

42“Come on,” they said. “That's Fred's kid. We know his parents. We know where they live. Heaven? He came from Queens.” They always bring up Fred.

43Trump said, “Stop whining. You sound like the press pool.

44Nobody comes to me unless my Father brings them. It's invitation only. And the ones he brings, I raise up on the last day.

45The prophets said everybody's going to be taught by God. The ones who actually paid attention in class come to me.

46Nobody's met my Father except me. I'm the only one with the access.

47Believe, and you live forever. That's the deal.

48I'm the bread. I keep telling you. The best bread. Nobody makes bread like me.

49Your ancestors had the sky bread, the manna, and guess what? They all died anyway. Very overrated product.

50My bread? You eat it, you don't die. Huge upgrade.

51I'm the living bread. Eat this bread and you live forever. And the bread is me. My own body. I'm giving it for the whole world.” Very intense. Very intense sales pitch.

52Then the leaders started fighting among themselves. “What is he talking about? He wants us to eat him? Is this a cult?” Literal again. Always literal.

53Trump said, “I'm not backing down. I never back down. You don't take me in, all of me, you've got nothing. No life. Nothing. Always double down.

54You take me in, you live forever, and I bring you back on the last day.

55This is real food. Not fake food. Real.

56You take me in, I'm in you, you're in me. Total partnership.

57My Father is alive and he sent me, and I live because of him. You take me in, you live because of me. That's the chain. Very simple chain.

58Your ancestors ate the sky bread and died. Mine, you live forever. Forever. Better than a lifetime warranty.”

59He said all this teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

60A lot of his followers said, “Okay, this one's a lot. This is a tough sell.” Too much for the weak ones.

61Trump knew they were griping. “Oh, this bothers you? This?

62Wait till you see me fly back up to where I came from. Then you'll have something to complain about.

63Muscle doesn't get you anywhere. The Spirit does. And my words are pure Spirit. The best words. Words that keep you alive.

64But some of you don't believe. I know who you are.” Trump had known from day one who didn't believe and who was going to sell him out. Knew it from day one. Judas. I knew.

65He said, “That's why I told you it's invitation only. My Father sends the invitations.”

66After that, a lot of his followers walked. Quit. Stopped coming. Lost some followers. Weak ones. Good riddance. The base got stronger.

67Trump turned to the Twelve. “What about you? You leaving too? Door's right there.” Loyalty check. Always do a loyalty check.

68Simon Peter said, “Sir, where would we even go? Nobody else has anything. You're the only one with eternal life on the menu.

69We're with you. We know who you are. You're the Holy One of God.” The Rock. Right answer. Passed the loyalty test.

70Trump said, “I hand-picked all twelve of you. And one of you is a devil. One of you is a total disaster.” On my own team. I knew. I always knew.

71He meant Judas, son of Simon Iscariot. One of the Twelve. The one who was going to sell him out. Judas. Total disaster. A loser.