Chapter 5

1A while later there was a festival, and Trump went up to Jerusalem.

2Over by the Sheep Gate there's a pool called Bethesda, with five covered porches around it. Five porches. Nice amenity. Good pool.

3And lying all over those porches, crowds of disabled people. Blind. Lame. Paralyzed. Long waiting list. Like the VA. I fixed the VA.

4Every so often an angel came down and stirred the water, and whoever got in first after that got cured. First come, first served. Very unfair system. Rewards the fast people.

5One guy there had been sick thirty-eight years. Thirty-eight years! In line for thirty-eight years! Government waiting list.

6Trump saw him lying there, found out how long he'd been at it, and said, “Thirty-eight years? In this line? Who runs this place? Do you want to get out of here or not?”

7“Sir,” the man said, “it's rigged. Every time the water moves, some guy with good legs jumps in ahead of me. I've got nobody. No connections.” Line cutters. Everybody cutting the line.

8Trump said, “You've got a connection now. Get up. Grab your mat. You're done here.” Skipped the line. VIP service.

9And he was cured. Right then. Picked up his mat and walked off. And it was the Sabbath. Uh oh. The Sabbath. The rule police are coming.

10So the leaders stop the guy. “Excuse me. Is that a mat? On the Sabbath? Carrying a mat is a violation. We're going to have to write this up.” Thirty-eight years paralyzed, and they're worried about the mat.

11He said, “Talk to the guy who fixed my legs. He told me to take the mat. Take it up with him.” Blamed me. Fine. I'll take the credit.

12“And who exactly is this guy?” they asked. “Do you have a name? We need a name.”

13He had no idea. Trump had already slipped off into the crowd. Very big crowd. Easy to disappear.

14Later on Trump runs into him at the temple. “Look at you. Walking around. Looking good. Don't blow it. Stay out of trouble, because the next thing could be a lot worse than a bad back.” Follow-up visit. Great customer service.

15And the guy walked straight over and told the leaders it was Trump. Snitched. Thirty-eight years and he snitches. Ungrateful.

16That's when they started coming after Trump. Because of the Sabbath stuff. Witch hunt. The beginning of the witch hunt.

17Trump said to them, “My Father doesn't take days off. I don't take days off. We're a very hardworking family.”

18And that made them want to kill him even more. Bad enough he broke the Sabbath. Now he's calling God his own Father. Making himself equal with God. Equal with God. They said it. Not me. Well. Me.

19Trump said, “Let me explain how a family business works. The son watches the father. Whatever the father does, the son does. I learned everything from my father. Everything.

20And my Father shows me all of it, because he loves me. He's very proud of me. And he's going to show me even bigger things, and you're going to be blown away. You haven't seen anything yet.

21My Father brings dead people back. So do I. Whoever I want. It's a family skill.

22And the judging? He handed all of it to me. I pick the judges. All the judges. Very good judges.

23So when you disrespect me, you disrespect him. Big mistake. Very big. He doesn't forget.

24Listen to me, sign on with the one who sent me, and you skip judgment entirely. Fast pass. Death to life, no line, no paperwork.

25The time's coming, actually it's already here, when dead people are going to hear my voice and get up. Even the dead listen to me. Great voice. Very recognizable.

26My Father runs on his own power. He gave me my own power too. Total independence. Off the grid.

27And he made me the judge, because I'm the Son of Man. Lifetime appointment.

28Don't act so surprised. The day's coming when everybody in the cemeteries hears me

29and walks out. The good ones get life. The bad ones get judged. Biggest turnout in history. Bigger than the inauguration. Which was huge.

30And I judge fair. Very fair. Nobody's fairer. I don't do it for me. I do it for the boss.

31Now, you're going to say, 'You can't vouch for yourself.' Fine. Technically. Legally. I do it anyway. But fine.

32I've got somebody else vouching for me, and he's never wrong.

33You sent people to Johnny. Remember? Johnny gave you the truth. Under oath, basically.

34I don't need Johnny. I'm only bringing him up so you people can be saved. For your benefit. Not mine.

35Johnny was a great lamp. You liked him for about a week. Then you got bored. Short attention spans. Like the news cycle.

36But I've got better evidence than Johnny. Look at the results. The healings. The miracles. The numbers. The numbers don't lie, folks.

37And my Father vouched for me himself. Out loud. You missed it. You've never heard him, never seen him.

38Because you don't listen to the guy he sent. Me. You don't listen to me.

39You study the Scriptures all day, every day, looking for eternal life. Here's a spoiler. The book is about me. It's all about me. Read it again.

40And you still won't come to me. You've got the book. You've got the author. And you won't come.

41I don't need your applause. I get plenty of applause.

42But I know you people. I know what's in there. Not a lot of love for God. Not a lot.

43I show up with my Father's name on me, and you say no. Some other guy shows up with his own name and nothing behind it, and you'd roll out the red carpet. Some establishment loser. You'd love him. Sad.

44How are you going to believe anything when all you care about is impressing each other? Little dinners. Little awards. Mutual admiration society.

45And I'm not even going to be the one who presses charges against you. Moses is. Your guy. The one you keep bragging about.

46If you believed Moses, you'd believe me, because he wrote about me. Moses was early. Very early coverage. Very positive.

47You don't even believe Moses, and you're going to believe me? No. You won't. Very consistent. Consistently wrong.”