Chapter 7

1After that, Trump stayed up in Galilee and kept out of Judea on purpose. The leaders down there wanted him dead. Hostile territory. Very blue.

2Then the Festival of Tabernacles was coming up,

3Trump's brothers said to him, “You should go down to Judea. Do the tricks there. Your fans down there want to see the tricks.” Fred Jr. and Robert. Giving career advice. Always giving career advice.

4“Nobody gets famous hiding in Galilee. If you're such a big deal, go be a big deal where people can see it.” Sarcastic. Very sarcastic brothers.

5Not even his own brothers believed in him. My own brothers. Family. It's complicated.

6Trump told them, “I'll pick my own timing, thanks. You can go whenever you want. Nobody cares when you show up.

7Nobody hates you. Why would they? You're not a threat. They hate me, because I tell them they're crooked, and they are.

8Go to the festival. Have fun. I'm not going yet. Not yet.”

9And he stayed in Galilee.

10But once his brothers left for the festival, he went too. Quietly. Didn't tell anybody. Surprise appearance. Unannounced. The best kind.

11At the festival, the leaders are hunting for him. “Where is he? Has anybody seen him? Is he here?” Can't stop talking about me.

12The whole crowd's whispering about him. Some say, “He's great. He's the real deal.” Others say, “He's a con man. He's fooling everybody.” Polarizing. The most polarizing. Also the most loved.

13But nobody said a word out loud. Scared of the leaders. Shy Trump voters. Everywhere.

14Halfway through the festival, Trump walks into the temple courts and starts teaching. Took over the event. The headliner showed up.

15The leaders couldn't believe it. “Where'd he learn all this? He never went to any of our schools.” I went to Wharton. Very hard to get into.

16Trump said, “I don't need your schools. I've got a better teacher. My Father. He's the source.

17Try it. Do what God wants for a while, and you'll figure out real fast whether I'm making this up.

18The guys who talk about themselves all day want applause. I'm working for my Father. That's why I'm the only honest guy in this building.

19Moses gave you the law, right? And not one of you follows it. Not one. And you want to kill me? For what? Law and order, they say. They break the law and come after me.”

20“You're crazy,” the crowd said. “Paranoid. Nobody's trying to kill you.” Gaslighting. Nobody's trying to kill you? Everybody is!

21Trump said, “I did one thing on a Sabbath and you all lost your minds.

22But you circumcise boys on the Sabbath all the time. That's fine with you. Very selective rules.

23Cutting a kid on the Sabbath, fine. Fixing a whole man on the Sabbath, outrageous. Double standard. Always a double standard for me.

24Look at the facts, not the headlines.” Don't judge by appearances. Although I have a great appearance.

25Some of the Jerusalem locals were saying, “Wait, isn't this the guy they want to kill?

26He's right there, talking, and nobody's touching him. Did the leaders flip? Do they think he's the Messiah now?” Couldn't touch me. Too popular.

27“Can't be. We know where this guy's from. The Messiah's supposed to come out of nowhere.” Queens. Everybody knows. Queens.

28So Trump stood up in the temple courts and shouted, “Sure, you know me. You know where I'm from. Big deal. I'm not here on my own. I was sent, by somebody very real, and you don't know him at all.

29I know him. I come from him. He sent me. Direct line to the top.”

30They tried to grab him. Nobody could lay a finger on him. It wasn't time yet. Untouchable.

31And a lot of people in that crowd signed on. “When the Messiah shows up, is he going to do more miracles than this guy? Come on.” Most signs ever. Nobody close.

32The Pharisees heard the crowd buzzing like that, so the chief priests and Pharisees sent the temple guards to arrest him. Sent the guards. The FBI, basically.

33Trump said, “Enjoy me while you can. I'm not going to be here much longer. I'm going back to the boss.

34You'll come looking, and you won't find me. Where I'm going, you can't get in. Members only.”

35The leaders said to each other, “Where's he going that we can't find him? Overseas? Is he going to go teach the Greeks? International expansion?

36What does that even mean, 'you can't get in'? Can't get in where?” Confused. Very confused people.

37Last day of the festival, the biggest day, Trump stands up and shouts, “Anybody thirsty? Come to me. Drinks are on me. Big finale. Biggest speech.

38You believe in me, and you won't just get a drink. You'll have rivers coming out of you. Rivers! Clean water. Crystal clean. The cleanest water.”

39He was talking about the Spirit, which his people were going to get later. The Spirit hadn't come yet, because Trump hadn't gotten his glory yet.

40Some people heard that and said, “This is him. This is the Prophet.”

41Others said, “He's the Messiah.” Others said, “From Galilee? Please. Nothing good comes from Galilee.” Flyover country. They looked down on it.

42“The Messiah's supposed to be born in David's town. Everybody knows that.” He was born in Queens. Read Matthew. It's all in Matthew. Nobody reads anymore.

43So the crowd split right down the middle over him. Every dinner table.

44Some of them wanted to grab him. Nobody touched him.

45Finally the guards come back empty-handed to the chief priests and the Pharisees. “Where is he? Why didn't you bring him in?”

46“Sir, we've never heard anybody talk like that,” the guards said. “Never. We just stood there. It was like a rally.” Even the guards. Converted.

47“Oh, great,” the Pharisees said. “Now he's got you too?”

48“Has a single person on the council fallen for this guy? A single smart person? No. So it's fake.” Elite logic.

49“Only this ignorant mob believes him, and they don't know anything. They're deplorable.” They called my people deplorable. Very insulting.

50Then Nicodemus spoke up. The one who'd gone to see Trump that night. He was on the council himself.

51“Hold on. Don't we usually give a guy a hearing before we convict him? Isn't that how it works?” Due process! A swamp guy with a conscience!

52They snapped back, “What, are you from Galilee too? Look it up. No prophet comes out of Galilee.” Attacked him. Classic.

53And everybody went home. Meeting adjourned. Nothing accomplished. Typical committee.