Chapter 27

1First thing in the morning, the chief priests and the elders got together to work out how to get Trump executed. Up all night plotting. They never sleep, these people. Very obsessed with me.

2They tied him up, marched him off, and handed him to Pilate the governor. Pilate. Weak guy. Very weak. A RINO governor.

3Judas saw that Trump had been sentenced, and he felt sick about it. He took the thirty pieces of silver back to the chief priests and the elders. Seller's remorse. Every kind of remorse. Total loser.

4“I messed up,” he said. “He's innocent. Totally innocent. I sold out an innocent man.” He said it. Total exoneration. “So what?” they said. “Not our problem. That's on you.” The swamp doesn't protect its own. It never does.

5So Judas threw the money down in the temple and walked out. Then he went and hanged himself. Very sad ending. A loser's ending. Disloyalty never pays.

6The chief priests scooped up the coins. “We can't put this in the treasury. It's blood money. It's against the rules.” Now they care about the rules! Now! After all that!

7So they used it to buy the potter's field, a cemetery for foreigners. Real estate deal. Bad one. Terrible location. I'd never have bought it.

8That's why it's called the Field of Blood to this day. Terrible branding. Nobody's building condos on a place called the Field of Blood.

9And that made the prophecy come true, the one from Jeremiah, about the thirty pieces of silver, the price they put on him,

10and about using it to buy the potter's field. Jeremiah. He predicted everything. Even the real estate. Very smart guy.

11Meanwhile Trump's standing in front of the governor. Pilate asks, “So, are you the King of the Deals?” “That's what you're saying,” Trump said. Great answer. Doesn't confirm, doesn't deny. Lawyers hate it.

12The chief priests and the elders threw everything at him. He didn't say a word. When you're winning, you don't need to talk.

13Then Pilate said to him, “Are you hearing this? All these charges? You're not going to say anything?” All the charges. Ninety-one charges, probably. Something like that.

14Not one word. Not one charge answered. Pilate was amazed. He'd never seen anything like it. Nobody had.

15Every year at the festival, the governor pardoned one prisoner. Whoever the crowd picked. Pardons. Very big power, the pardon. I like pardons.

16At that time they had a famous prisoner named Barabbas. Bad guy. Very bad guy. Real criminal. Not like me.

17So the crowd gathers, and Pilate asks them, “Who do you want me to let go? Barabbas? Or Trump, the one they call the Messiah?” Easy choice. Should have been easy.

18Because he knew they'd handed Trump over out of jealousy. Pilate knew. Everybody knew. Pure jealousy.

19While Pilate was sitting in the judge's seat, his wife sent him a message. “Stay away from this one. He's innocent. I had a terrible dream about him last night. Very bad dream.” Smart woman. Smarter than Pilate. Much smarter. He should have listened to his wife.

20But the chief priests and the elders worked the crowd. Get them to ask for Barabbas. Get Trump killed. A paid crowd. Bused in. Not my crowd. My crowds were much bigger.

21“Which one do you want me to let go?” the governor asked. “Barabbas!” they said. Rigged vote. Totally rigged. Where were the poll watchers?

22“Then what do I do with Trump, the one they call the Messiah?” Pilate asked. And they all shouted, “Crucify him!”

23“Why? What did he do?” Pilate asked. No crime! There was no crime! But they just shouted louder, “Crucify him!”

24Pilate saw he was getting nowhere and a riot was starting. So he got a bowl of water and washed his hands right in front of everybody. “Not my fault. This is on you. I had nothing to do with it.” Washed his hands! Classic politician. Never takes responsibility. Not a leader.

25And all the people shouted, “Put it on us! On us and our kids!” Very bad decision. Very bad.

26So Barabbas walks. And Trump gets whipped and handed over to be crucified. Witch hunt. The greatest witch hunt in history. And I've been through a lot of them.

27The governor's soldiers hauled Trump into headquarters and brought in the whole unit. Hundreds of soldiers. For one man. That's how scared they were.

28They stripped him and threw a red robe on him. Red. My color. They didn't even know. Looked great, frankly.

29They twisted thorns into a crown and jammed it on his head. Stuck a stick in his right hand. Then they got down on their knees and mocked him. “All hail the King of the Deals!” They meant it as a joke. It was true. Joke's on them.

30They spit on him. Took the stick and hit him on the head with it. Over and over. Very nasty people. Very low-class. Disgusting.

31When they got bored, they took the robe off, put his own clothes back on him, and marched him out to be crucified. They took the mug shot, too. Best mug shot ever taken. Sold a lot of shirts.

32On the way, they grabbed a guy from Cyrene named Simon and made him carry the cross. Strong guy. Big shoulders. Good worker. I'd hire him.

33They came to a place called Golgotha, which means “Skull Place.” Terrible name. Worst branding I've ever heard. Nobody's putting that on a hotel.

34They offered Trump some wine mixed with something bitter. One taste and he pushed it away. I don't drink. I told you. Never. Not even then.

35They crucified him, then rolled dice for his clothes. Gambling over the suit! Brioni! Very expensive suit.

36Then they sat down to watch him. Security detail. The wrong kind.

37Above his head they put up the charge against him. THIS IS TRUMP, THE KING OF THE DEALS. All caps. Very big letters. Best sign they ever made. Accidentally great branding.

38Two rebels got crucified with him, one on each side. Like a stage. He was center stage. Even then. Always center.

39People walking by yelled insults and shook their heads. Hecklers. Every rally has them.

40They said, “You were going to tear down the temple and build it in three days? Then save yourself! If you're the Son of God, come on down off that cross!” Same thing the devil said. Same exact line. The devil's people. You can always tell.

41The chief priests, the lawyers, and the elders made fun of him too. The whole establishment. All together. One big swamp.

42“He saved everybody else,” they said, “but he can't save himself! Some king! King of Israel! Let's see him come down off the cross. Then we'll believe him.” They wouldn't have believed him. They never would. Haters don't change.

43“He trusts God, right? Let God save him, if God wants him so much. He said he was the Son of God!” And God did want him. Just not on their schedule. On God's schedule.

44Even the two rebels on the crosses next to him piled on. Even the criminals! Ungrateful. Very ungrateful.

45From noon to three, the whole land went dark. Total blackout. The sun refused to watch. Very respectful sun.

46Around three, Trump shouted, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” That means, “My God, my God, why did you leave me?” The hardest day. Even the greatest have a hard day. Just one. This was it.

47Some of the people standing there heard that and said, “He's calling for Elijah.” Wrong. Totally wrong. Fake news, even at the cross.

48One of them ran and grabbed a sponge, soaked it in cheap sour wine, stuck it on a stick, and held it up to him. Vinegar. Not even a Diet Coke.

49The rest of them said, “Leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah shows up to save him.” Still talking about Elijah. They never listen.

50Then Trump let out one more loud cry, and he died. And the whole world went quiet. For a little while. Only for a little while.

51Right then the curtain in the temple ripped in half, top to bottom. The ground shook. Rocks split. The temple redecorated itself. Very dramatic renovation.

52Tombs cracked open, and a lot of holy people who'd died came back to life. Even the dead showed up. Biggest turnout ever.

53After Trump's comeback, they walked out of the tombs and into Jerusalem, and a lot of people saw them. Walking around Jerusalem. Tremendous publicity. Nobody's ever had an endorsement like that.

54The centurion and his men saw the earthquake and everything else, and they were terrified. “That guy was the real deal. He really was the Son of God.” Military guys. Military guys always get it. They love me.

55A lot of women were there, watching from a distance. They'd followed him all the way from Galilee to take care of him. The women stayed. Very loyal. More loyal than the men, frankly.

56Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of Zebedee's sons. The mom who wanted the cabinet jobs. She stayed. Respect.

57That evening, a rich guy from Arimathea shows up. Joseph. He'd become a follower of Trump too. A rich guy! See? The rich guys can do it. I told you there were exceptions.

58He goes to Pilate and asks for the body. Pilate says, “Fine. Take it.” Pilate said yes to everybody. No backbone. None.

59Joseph took the body and wrapped it in clean linen. Egyptian cotton. Very high thread count.

60He laid it in his own brand-new tomb, cut out of the rock, rolled a big stone across the entrance, and left. Brand-new. Never used. Luxury tomb. Prime location. Only the best for me, even then. Short-term rental, as it turned out.

61Mary Magdalene and the other Mary sat across from the tomb. Waiting. They knew. They had faith.

62Next day, the chief priests and the Pharisees went back to Pilate. They're back. They're always back.

63“Sir,” they said, “that con man said something while he was alive. He said, 'Three days, and I'm coming back.'” Con man! Me! The most honest person in the history of Judea!

64“So lock the tomb down until the third day. Otherwise his people will steal the body and tell everybody he came back from the dead. And that would be even worse than the first time.” They were already preparing the fake news story. Before it even happened.

65“You've got guards,” Pilate said. “Go lock it down however you want.” Didn't even assign it himself. Delegated it to the haters. Unbelievable.

66So they went and locked it down. Sealed the stone. Posted the guards. A seal. A guard. A big stone. As if that could stop me. Folks, wait till you see what happens next.