Chapter 26

1That was the end of the speech. So many great things. The best speeches anybody's ever given. Then Trump turned to his disciples and said,

2“Passover's in two days, folks. And that's when they're going to hand me over to be crucified.” He told them. Again. Fourth time. Still nobody wrote it down.

3Meanwhile, the chief priests and the elders were meeting at the palace of the high priest. Caiaphas. Crooked Caiaphas. Very crooked. Everybody knew it.

4Back-room meeting. The plan: grab Trump quietly and kill him. Secret meetings. Back rooms. The deep state, folks. It's been around a long time.

5“But not during the festival,” they said. “The people will riot. They love this guy.” Because they knew. They knew how much the people loved me. The polls were incredible.

6Trump was in Bethany, at the house of Simon the Leper. Former leper. I healed him. Totally clean now. Great house.

7And a woman walks in with a jar of very expensive perfume and pours the whole thing on his head right at the dinner table. The best perfume. And on the hair, which, frankly, looked fantastic after.

8The disciples saw that and got very worked up. “What a waste!” Waste! It was an investment.

9“We could have sold that for a lot of money and given it to the poor.” Judas said that, by the way. Judas, always talking about money. That should have been a red flag. A big red flag.

10Trump heard them and said, “Leave her alone. Why are you giving her a hard time? She did a beautiful thing for me. A tremendous thing. Very classy lady.

11There's always going to be poor people. You're not always going to have me. Very limited time. Exclusive engagement.

12She put this on me to get me ready for my funeral. She gets it. She's the only one who listened.

13And I'm telling you, wherever people tell my story, all over the world, they're going to tell hers too.” Great publicity for her. Free publicity. You can't buy that.

14Then one of the Twelve walked over to the chief priests. Judas Iscariot. I told you. Total disaster. I hired him. He was a loser.

15He said, “What's it worth to you if I hand him over?” And they counted out thirty pieces of silver. Thirty! For me! The worst deal in history. I'm worth billions. Trillions, maybe. He didn't even negotiate.

16From then on, Judas was watching for his chance. Sneaky. Like a leaker. The worst kind of leaker.

17First day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples come to Trump. “Sir, where do you want to have the Passover dinner?” Good question. Location is everything.

18He said, “Go into the city and find a certain guy. Tell him, 'The boss says it's almost time, and he's doing Passover at your place, with his people.'” Very nice house. Upper room. Great views.

19The disciples did exactly what he said and got the dinner ready.

20That night, Trump sat down at the table with the Twelve. The last supper. Not a great menu, frankly. No steak. But the company was good. Mostly.

21And while they were eating, he said, “One of you is going to betray me. One of you. Right here at this table.” Silence. Total silence. You could hear a pin drop.

22Everybody's upset. They go around the table one by one. “Not me, Sir. It's not me, right?” Everybody's nervous. That's how you know you're a strong leader.

23Trump said, “The guy who dipped his bread in the bowl with me. That's the guy.” Double-dipper. Disgusting. Bad manners and disloyal.

24“The Son of Man is going to go, just like it was written. But the guy who betrays him? Terrible. He'd be better off if he'd never been born.” Very strong statement. And totally accurate.

25Then Judas, the one who was going to betray him, said, “Not me, Rabbi. Right?” And Trump said, “You said it, not me.” Boom. Caught. On tape, practically.

26In the middle of dinner, Trump picked up the bread, blessed it, broke it, and passed it around. “Eat it. This is my body.” Very fit body, by the way. My doctor says the healthiest person ever to hold the office.

27Then he picked up a cup, gave thanks, and passed it around. “Everybody drink. Not Diet Coke this time. Special occasion.

28This is my blood. Very good blood. Great genes. The best genes. Drink up. It seals the deal. Biggest deal ever made. Everybody's sins, all of them, paid in full. Nobody else could afford it.

29I'm not drinking wine again until I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.” I don't drink anyway. Never have. But this was a special exception.

30They sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives. Great hymn. Very good singing. Not the Village People. But good.

31Then Trump told them, “Tonight, every one of you is going to run out on me. It's written. 'Hit the shepherd, and the sheep scatter.' Fair-weather friends. I've seen it before.

32But after I come back, I'll meet you in Galilee.” The comeback. Always mention the comeback.

33Peter said, “Everybody else might run, Sir, but not me. Never. I'll never leave you.” Big promise. Very big. Peter loves to make big promises.

34“Peter,” Trump said, “tonight, before the rooster crows, you're going to say you don't know me. Three times.” Called it. Called it in advance. Like I always do.

35But Peter said, “Even if I have to die with you, I'm never saying I don't know you.” And all the other disciples said the same thing. Everybody's loyal until the subpoena comes.

36Then he took them to a place called Gethsemane. “Sit here,” he said. “I'm going over there to pray.” Beautiful garden. Olive trees. Could be a great golf course with some work.

37He brought Peter and Zebedee's two sons along, and it hit him. Very sad. Very troubled. Even the strongest people have a tough night. Very rare for me. But it happens.

38Then he said to them, “I'm very sad. The saddest I've ever been. Stay here and stay awake with me.” Simple instructions. Very simple. Stay awake.

39He walked a little farther, put his face on the ground, and prayed, “Father, if there's any other way, any better deal, let's do that. But it's your call. Whatever you want.” He asked for a better deal. Of course he did. You always ask. But he accepted the terms.

40He walks back and they're asleep. All of them. “Peter. Seriously? You couldn't stay up one hour with me?” One hour! Sleepy Peter. Low energy. Very low.

41“Stay awake and watch for leakers. You all want to be loyal, I know that. But you're tired. Tired people make mistakes.” I sleep four hours and never make mistakes. Never.

42He went off again and prayed a second time. “Father, if there's no other way, then let's do it your way.” Done deal. He signed.

43Comes back. Asleep again. Couldn't keep their eyes open. Twice! Sleeping on the job! Twice!

44So he left them sleeping and went and prayed a third time. Same prayer. Three times. Three is a very strong number.

45Then he went back to the disciples and said, “Still sleeping? Still resting? It's time. They're handing the Son of Man over to the bad guys. Wake up! Big day!

46Get up. Let's go. Here comes the traitor.” Here he comes. The loser. Right on schedule.

47He's still talking when Judas walks up. One of the Twelve. And behind him, a mob with swords and clubs, sent by the chief priests and the elders. A raid! In the middle of the night! Like Mar-a-Lago! They do this to me all the time.

48Judas had given them a signal. “The one I kiss, that's him. Grab him.” A kiss. Very creepy. Very weird guy.

49He walks right up to Trump. “Hello, Rabbi!” And kisses him. Disgusting. And not even on both cheeks. No class.

50Trump said, “Do what you came to do, pal.” Pal. Sarcasm, folks. Very sophisticated sarcasm. Then the men stepped forward, grabbed Trump, and arrested him.

51Then one of Trump's guys pulls a sword, swings at the high priest's servant, and takes off his ear. Peter. Loyal, but sloppy. Very sloppy swordsmanship.

52“Put that away,” Trump told him. “Look at you. You got an ear. One ear. That's not how you win a fight. You don't need a sword. You've got me. Peacefully and patriotically, folks.

53You think I can't call my Father right now and get twelve legions of angels down here? Twelve legions! Seventy-two thousand angels! Biggest army in history. I didn't even need them.

54But then how does the prophecy come true? It's got to happen this way.” It's in the plan. Everything's in the plan.

55Then Trump said to the crowd, “What am I, a criminal? You come out here with swords and clubs to get me? I was in the temple every day, teaching, right out in the open, and you never touched me. In broad daylight! In front of everybody! They waited for the dark. Cowards.

56But this is all happening so the prophets come true.” Then all the disciples left him and ran. All of them. Every single one. Very disloyal. Very sad.

57They dragged Trump to Caiaphas the high priest, where the lawyers and elders were already waiting. Grand jury. Hand-picked. Totally rigged.

58Peter followed, way back, all the way into the high priest's courtyard. He sat down with the guards to see how it would play out. Way back. Keeping his options open. Classic Peter.

59The chief priests and the whole council were out looking for fake evidence so they could put Trump to death. Fake evidence! Fabricated! They admitted it! It's right there in the text!

60They found nothing. Fake witness after fake witness, nothing. Finally two guys step up. Paid witnesses. Probably. Very likely paid.

61They said, “This guy said he could tear down God's temple and build it back in three days.” And I could. I'd do it under budget and ahead of schedule.

62The high priest stands up. “Well? Nothing to say? What about all this?”

63Trump said nothing. Not a word. I plead the Fifth, folks. Very smart. So the high priest says, “Under oath. Swear to God. Are you the Messiah? The Son of God?”

64“You said it,” Trump said. “And let me tell you something. You're going to see the Son of Man sitting right next to God, and coming on the clouds. All of you are going to see it.” Mic drop. Biggest mic drop in history.

65The high priest tears his own robe. “Blasphemy! You heard it! Why do we need any more witnesses? You all heard it! Ripped his own clothes. Very dramatic. Very bad actor. Terrible ratings.

66So what do you think?” “Death!” they said. “He deserves death!” Unanimous. Of course it was unanimous. They decided before the trial even started.

67Then they spit in his face and hit him. Some slapped him. Nobody slaps me. This was the one time. Took a whole room of them to do it.

68And they said, “Come on, Messiah, prophesy. Who hit you?” I know who hit me. I know all their names. I have a list.

69Meanwhile Peter's sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl walks up. “You were with Trump. The guy from Queens. I saw you.”

70And Peter denies it. Right in front of everybody. “I don't know what you're talking about.” Never met him. Coffee boy. Barely knew him.

71He moves out to the gate. Another servant girl spots him and tells everybody, “This guy was with Trump. The guy from Queens.”

72He denied it again. Under oath this time. “I swear to God, I don't know the guy!” An oath! I told you never to make oaths! I told him in chapter five!

73A little while later the people standing around close in on him. “Come on, you're one of them. We can hear the accent.” Galilee accent. Very strong. Like Queens, but fishier.

74And Peter starts cursing. Swearing. “I don't know the guy! I've never met him!” And right then the rooster crows. Right on time. Better timing than Peter.

75And Peter remembered. “Before the rooster crows, you're going to say you don't know me. Three times.” He walked out and cried his eyes out. He came back, though. Peter came back. Loyal in the end. Mostly.