Chapter 23

1Then Trump turned to the crowd and his disciples. Huge crowd. Very loyal disciples.

2“Folks, the lawyers and the Pharisees have Moses' old job. Very comfortable chair. They've been sitting in it a long time. Career politicians.

3So listen to what they tell you. Fine. But don't do what they do, because they don't do any of it. Total hypocrites. All talk, no action.

4They pile rules on top of you, heavy rules, terrible rules, and they won't lift a finger to help. Regulations! Red tape! Paperwork! They love it, and they never do any of it themselves.

5Everything they do is for the cameras. Big fancy prayer boxes, long tassels on the robes. Showoffs. Very flashy. Not classy flashy, like me. Cheap flashy.

6They want the best seat at every dinner and the front row at every synagogue. They want the head table. I always get the head table, but I earned it.

7They love it when people say hello to them in the market and call them 'Rabbi.' Titles. They love titles. Very insecure people.

8Don't let anybody call you 'Rabbi.' You've got one teacher, and you're all on the same team. And the teacher is me. Just so we're clear.

9And don't call anybody down here 'father.' You've got one Father, and he's in heaven. Fred's okay. You can call Fred father. Special exception.

10And don't let anybody call you 'boss.' There's one boss, the Messiah. One boss. One brand. Very simple org chart.

11And the greatest guy among you? Me. We covered this. Everybody else, fight it out for number two.

12These guys puff themselves up, and they've got nothing to puff. No buildings. No ratings. When I puff myself up, it's backed by assets. Real assets.

13Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You slam the door of the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. You don't go in, and you won't let anybody else in either. Gatekeepers. Elites. Swamp creatures.

14Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You take widows' houses, and then you say these long, long prayers so everybody thinks you're holy. Foreclosures and long speeches. Worst combination. Very boring and very mean.

15Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You go all over the world to sign up one guy, and when you get him, you make him twice as bad as you are. Terrible recruiting. Terrible results. I recruit millions, and they love it.

16Shame on you, blind tour guides! You make a promise, and then you find a loophole. 'Oh, I swore by the temple. Doesn't count.' Fine print. Very sneaky.

17You think I don't read fine print? I invented fine print. Nobody reads a contract like me.

18You sign a deal on Monday, and on Tuesday you say it was a different deal. A different deal!

19Blind! Never trust a guy who reads you the fine print. Read it yourself.

20When I make a deal, it's a deal. Mostly. Unless it's a bad deal.

21Then we renegotiate. That's different. That's smart.

22And don't swear by anything. Not the temple, not the gold, not heaven. Just say 'Believe me.' That's all you need. Believe me.

23Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You count out ten percent of your spices—your mint, your dill, your cumin—very careful, very precise. And you forget the stuff that matters. Fairness. Mercy. Loyalty. Spices! They're auditing spices! Meanwhile, the whole country's going to hell.

24Blind tour guides! You pick a gnat out of your drink, and then you swallow a camel. A whole camel! That's a lot of camel. Very bad diet.

25Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You polish up the outside, the robes, the tassels, and inside there's nothing. Hollow. Like a cheap building. Gold-colored paint. Not real gold.

26Me? Gold inside and out. Real gold. Ask anybody who's been up to the apartment.

27Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You're like tombs with a fresh coat of paint. Beautiful on the outside, and inside? Dead guys' bones. Disgusting. Bad construction. Cheap materials. I'd never build like that.

28That's you. On the outside, you look great. On the inside, you're full of lies and garbage. Fake. Totally fake. Fake news, fake religion, fake everything.

29Shame on you, lawyers and Pharisees! Hypocrites! You build these beautiful tombs for the prophets, and you put flowers on the graves of good people. Monuments. They love monuments, as long as the guy is dead.

30And you say, 'If we'd been around back then, we never would have killed the prophets. Not us.' Sure. Sure you wouldn't.

31So you admit it. You're the sons of the guys who killed the prophets. They admitted it! On the record!

32Go ahead. Finish what your fathers started. You will anyway.

33Snakes! Vipers! How are you getting out of hell? You're not. Johnny called you vipers too. He was right. Johnny was right about a lot of things.

34So I'm sending you prophets and smart people and teachers. Some of them you'll kill and crucify, some of them you'll beat up in your synagogues and chase from town to town. The best people. And you'll persecute them. Witch hunt after witch hunt.

35And every drop of innocent blood ever spilled, from Abel all the way to Zechariah, who you killed right there between the temple and the altar, that's on you. Long rap sheet. Very long. The longest.

36I'm telling you, it's all coming down on this generation. This generation. Not some other generation. You.

37Jerusalem, Jerusalem. You kill the prophets. You throw rocks at the people sent to help you. How many times did I want to take care of you, like a mother hen with her chicks? And you said no. I wanted to make you great again! I offered! You said no!

38So now your house is empty. Vacant. Total vacancy. Worst occupancy rate I've ever seen.

39You won't see me again until you say, 'Blessed is the guy who comes in the name of the Lord.'” And they will say it. Believe me. They'll all say it eventually.