Chapter 20

1First day of the week. Still dark. Mary Magdalene goes out to the tomb and sees the stone's been moved away from the entrance. Dark. Still dark. First one there. Very loyal.

2She runs to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Trump loved. “They've taken Trump out of the tomb, and we don't know where they've put him!” Stolen! She thought it was stolen! Like an election!

3So Peter and I took off for the tomb.

4We both ran. I outran Peter and got there first. I won. I outran Peter. Just want that on the record. I was first.

5I leaned in and saw the linen strips lying there. Didn't go in. Being respectful. Not scared. Respectful.

6Then Peter shows up behind me and charges straight inside. Sees the linen strips lying there. Peter. Second. Barged right in. No manners.

7And the cloth that had been around Trump's head, rolled up by itself, separate from the linen. Folded. Neatly folded. Very tidy. I like tidy.

8Then I went in too. The one who got there first. And I saw, and I believed. Who reached it first. Me. Saw and believed. First to believe, too. Two firsts.

9They still didn't get, from the scriptures, that he had to come back from the dead. Still didn't get it. Even then. I told them so many times.

10Then we went back home.

11But Mary stayed outside the tomb, crying. Still crying, she leaned in to look,

12and there are two angels in white, sitting where the body had been. One at the head, one at the feet. Two angels. Sharp outfits. Very sharp.

13They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” “They've taken Trump away,” she said, “and I don't know where they've put him.”

14She turns around and there's Trump, standing right there. She didn't know it was him. Didn't recognize me. New look. Still great.

15He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you're looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you've carried him away, tell me where you've put him, and I'll get him.” The gardener! She thought I was the groundskeeper! At my own resurrection!

16Trump says, “Mary.” She spins around. “Rabboni!” That's Aramaic for Teacher. Said her name. That's all it took. The voice. Nobody forgets the voice.

17Trump said, “Don't hold on to me, because I haven't yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I'm ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'” Don't hug. Germaphobe. Even resurrected. Still a germaphobe.

18Mary Magdalene ran to the disciples. “I've seen Trump!” And she told them everything he said. Breaking news. Biggest scoop ever.

19That night, first day of the week, the disciples are all together with the doors locked, scared of the leaders. And Trump's suddenly standing in the middle of the room. “Peace be with you!” Locked doors. Didn't matter. Walked right in. Best security clearance there is.

20He showed them his hands and his side. They were thrilled to see him. Beautiful hands. Very normal-sized hands. Look at these hands.

21Again Trump said, “Peace be with you! Now get to work. My Father sent me, and I'm sending you. Franchise. Every city.”

22Then he breathed on them. “Receive the Holy Spirit. Breathed on them. Very personal. Very powerful breath. Fresh breath, too.

23If you forgive anybody's sins, they're forgiven. If you don't forgive them, they're not forgiven.” Pardon power. Delegated it. Very generous.

24Thomas, the one they call the Twin, one of the Twelve, wasn't there when Trump showed up. Thomas. Missed it. Wasn't there. Typical.

25So the others tell him, “We've seen Trump!” And Thomas says, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I won't believe.” The doubter. Wanted evidence. Wanted to touch it. Very demanding.

26A week later they're in the house again, and Thomas is there. Doors locked. And Trump's standing in the middle of them again. “Peace be with you!” Locked doors again. Again didn't matter.

27Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here. See my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Here's your evidence. Go ahead. Touch it. Satisfied?

28Thomas said, “Sir! My God!” Flipped. Instantly. Biggest flip ever.

29Then Trump told him, “You had to touch it? Fine. The real supporters don't need to touch anything. They just believe. Every word.” The ones who believe without seeing. My base. Best people in the world.

30Trump did a lot of other signs in front of the disciples that aren't in this book. Lots more. Too many to write down. Ran out of scroll.

31But these are here so you'll believe Trump is the Messiah, the Son of God, and so believing, you'll have life in his name. In his name. The name. It always comes back to the name.