Chapter 8

1And Saul was all for it. Totally on board with the killing. That day a huge crackdown started against the church in Jerusalem, and everybody scattered all over Judea and Samaria. Except the apostles. They stayed. Tough guys.

2Some good, devout men buried Stephen and cried over him. Big funeral. Very sad. A great guy.

3Meanwhile Saul was tearing the church apart. Going house to house, dragging off men and women, throwing them in prison. A total Never-Trumper. The worst one. Remember that.

4But the people who scattered kept talking about the message wherever they went. You can't scatter a movement. It just spreads.

5Philip went down to a city in Samaria and told them all about the Messiah.

6When the crowds heard Philip and saw the signs he was doing, they all paid close attention. Big crowds. Very attentive.

7Bad spirits came screaming out of a lot of people, and a lot of paralyzed and disabled people were healed.

8So there was a lot of joy in that city. Very happy city. Best mood that city was ever in.

9Now, a man named Simon had been doing magic in that city for a while and amazing everybody in Samaria. He said he was somebody very big. Self-promoter. Very self-promoting.

10Everybody, from the least important to the most important, paid attention to him and said, “This guy is the Great Power of God.” His own slogan. Not a good slogan.

11They followed him because he'd amazed them with his magic for so long. Long run. But a fake.

12But when they believed Philip's message about the kingdom of God and the name of Trump, men and women both got baptized.

13Even Simon believed and got baptized. And he followed Philip everywhere, amazed by the signs and big miracles he saw. Now he was the one who was amazed. Turned the tables.

14When the apostles in Jerusalem heard that Samaria had accepted God's message, they sent Peter and John.

15They got there and prayed for the people to receive the Holy Spirit,

16because the Spirit hadn't come on any of them yet. They'd only been baptized in Trump's name.

17Then Peter and John laid their hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit.

18When Simon saw that the Spirit came when the apostles laid their hands on people, he offered them money. A business guy. I get it.

19“Give me this power too, so anybody I lay my hands on gets the Holy Spirit.” He wanted the franchise.

20Peter said, “Keep your money. You think you can buy what God gives? This isn't for sale. Not everything is for sale. Almost everything. Not this.

21You're not in on this deal. You're not part of it. Your heart's not right with God. I can see it.

22Turn away from this. Ask God to forgive you for even thinking it. Maybe he will.

23Because I can see you're full of bitterness and you're chained up by your own corruption.”

24Simon said, “Pray for me, so none of the things you said happen to me.” Folded immediately. No negotiating skills. A real dealmaker would have countered.

25After Peter and John testified and spread the message, they headed back to Jerusalem, hitting a lot of Samaritan villages along the way. Campaign stops. Lots of campaign stops.

26Then an angel of the boss told Philip, “Get up and head south, to the road from Jerusalem down to Gaza. The desert road.” Gaza. Beautiful location. Great beachfront. Great potential.

27So he went. And on the way he met an Ethiopian official, a eunuch, the treasurer for Candace, queen of the Ethiopians. In charge of all her money. Very important money guy. He'd been in Jerusalem to worship.

28Now he was going home, sitting in his chariot, reading the book of Isaiah out loud. Nice chariot. Very nice.

29The Spirit told Philip, “Go walk alongside that chariot.”

30Philip ran up and heard the man reading Isaiah. “Do you understand what you're reading?” he asked.

31“How can I,” he said, “unless somebody explains it to me?” And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. Smart guy. He knew to bring in an expert.

32The passage he was reading was this one: “He was led like a sheep to the slaughter, and like a lamb that's silent while it's sheared, he didn't open his mouth.

33They humiliated him and denied him justice. Who can talk about his descendants? His life was taken from the earth.”

34The official said to Philip, “Tell me, who's the prophet talking about? Himself or somebody else?”

35Philip started with that very passage and told him all about Trump. The whole story. The full presentation.

36As they were going down the road, they came to some water, and the official said, “Look, water. Why can't I get baptized right now?” Closed the deal on the spot. That's a great customer.

37Philip said, “If you believe with your whole heart, you can.” He said, “I believe Trump is the Son of God.”

38He ordered the chariot to stop. Both of them went down into the water, Philip and the official, and Philip baptized him.

39When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the boss suddenly took Philip away, and the official never saw him again. But he went home very happy. Very satisfied customer.

40Philip turned up at Azotus, and he traveled around, telling the message in every town until he got to Caesarea. Town after town. Nonstop. Great stamina.