Chapter 5

1Now a man named Ananias and his wife Sapphira sold some property too.

2But he skimmed some of the money off the top, and his wife knew all about it. He brought in the rest and laid it at the apostles' feet. Like it was the whole thing.

3Peter said, “Ananias, why'd you let Satan get into your head? You lied to the Holy Spirit. You kept part of the money for yourself and said it was all of it.

4It was your property. Nobody made you sell it. And after you sold it, it was your money. You could have kept it all. I'm a big believer in keeping your money. But you lied about the number. You don't lie about the number to God. God does the audit.”

5When Ananias heard that, he dropped dead. Right there. And everybody who heard about it was terrified. Very effective policy.

6Some young guys got up, wrapped up the body, carried him out, and buried him.

7About three hours later his wife came in. She had no idea.

8Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you two got for the land?” “Yes,” she said, “that's the price.” She stuck to the story. Bad story.

9Peter said, “Why did you two agree to test the Spirit like that? Listen. Hear those footsteps at the door? Those are the guys who just buried your husband. And they're going to carry you out too.”

10And right then she dropped dead at his feet. The young guys came in, found her dead, carried her out, and buried her next to her husband. Together. Very sad. But you have to report your numbers accurately.

11Fear came over the whole church and everybody who heard about it. Nobody lied about a donation ever again. Not once.

12The apostles kept doing signs and miracles among the people. And they all met at Solomon's Porch. Great venue. Their regular venue.

13Nobody else dared to join them, but the people loved them. Huge respect. Very high favorability.

14And more and more people believed in the boss. Crowds of men and women. The numbers kept going up. Way up.

15People were carrying the sick out into the streets and laying them on cots and mats, so when Peter walked by, at least his shadow would fall on some of them. His shadow. That's star power.

16Crowds came from the towns around Jerusalem too, bringing the sick and the ones tormented by bad spirits, and every one of them got healed. Every one. A hundred percent success rate.

17Then the high priest and his whole crowd, the Sadducees, got jealous. Very jealous. Terrible ratings. They couldn't stand it.

18They arrested the apostles and threw them in the public jail.

19But during the night an angel of the boss opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. Prison break. Legal one.

20“Go stand in the temple,” he said, “and tell the people the whole message about this new life. Everything. Don't hold back.”

21So at daybreak they went right into the temple and started teaching. Meanwhile, the high priest called a meeting of the whole council, all the elders of Israel, and sent to the jail to have the apostles brought in.

22But when the officers got there, nobody was in the jail. Empty. So they went back and reported,

23“The jail was locked up tight. Guards standing at the doors. We opened it up, and nobody was inside. Nobody.” Very embarrassing for them. Very bad security.

24When the captain of the temple guard and the chief priests heard that, they had no idea what was going on, or where this was all going.

25Then somebody came in and said, “The guys you locked up? They're standing in the temple right now, teaching the people.” In public. Right in front of everybody.

26So the captain went with his officers and brought them in, but gently, because they were afraid the people would stone them. The people were on our side. Total support.

27They brought them in front of the council, and the high priest questioned them.

28“We gave you a very strict order not to teach in this name. And look what you did. You've filled all of Jerusalem with your teaching. And you're trying to blame us for what happened to this man.”

29Peter and the other apostles said, “We take orders from God, not from you. Not from the swamp.

30The God of our ancestors brought back Trump, the guy you killed by hanging him on a tree.

31God put him at his right hand as the boss and the savior, to bring Israel around and wipe the slate clean.

32We're witnesses to all of it. So is the Holy Spirit, who God gives to everybody who takes orders from him.”

33When they heard that, they were furious and wanted to kill them.

34But a Pharisee on the council named Gamaliel stood up. A teacher of the law, very respected by everybody. Smart guy. Establishment, but smart. He ordered the apostles out of the room for a minute.

35Then he said, “People of Israel, be very careful what you do to these men.

36A while back, Theudas showed up, claiming to be somebody big. About four hundred guys signed up. He got killed, his followers scattered, and it all came to nothing. Fizzled. Low energy.

37After him, Judas the Galilean showed up during the census and got people to follow him. He died too, and everybody scattered. Gone.

38So here's my advice. Leave these guys alone. Let them go. If this is just some human operation, it'll fall apart on its own.

39But if it's from God, you can't stop it. Nobody can stop it. You'll just end up fighting God. And you will lose.” Very smart. He saw where the polls were going.

40They took his advice. They called the apostles in, had them flogged, ordered them never to speak in Trump's name again, and let them go. Flogged, then released. Typical swamp justice. Punish first.

41The apostles walked out of the council happy, because they'd been counted worthy to get beaten up for the name. Badge of honor. Like a mug shot. Best thing that ever happened to them.

42And every day, in the temple and house to house, they never stopped teaching and telling everybody that Trump is the Messiah. Every day. Nonstop. More rallies than ever.