Chapter 6

1Look, folks, when you do good things, make sure people see it, okay? Because if nobody sees it, what's the point? Sad! No rewards in heaven if you're not getting applause down here. Believe me.

2So, when you're giving to the poor—great thing, by the way, I give the BEST charity—don't just hand it over quietly. Get some cameras, maybe a press release. It's called branding, people!

3But hey, don't let one hand know what the other hand's doing. Unless it's a really good deal. Then let both hands know so they can shake on it. Tremendous.

4Your giving should be seen by the right people—discreetly, but not too discreetly, okay? And if you do it right, your Father in Heaven (also tremendous, great guy) will reward you.

5And when you pray, don't be like those boring, low-energy people mumbling in the corner. They've got no ratings. Stand tall, say it loud, get the people talking about you.

6But, if you really want to do it right, go into a big, beautiful room, lock the door, and pray to your Father in private. He sees everything. Total surveillance—better than the NSA.

7And when you pray, don't babble on and on like losers. They think they'll be heard because they talk so much. Wrong! Efficiency, folks. Prayers should be classy and to the point.

8God knows what you need before you ask. Great instincts, folks. The best.

9Pray like this: “Our Father in Heaven, your name—huge brand, everyone knows it, believe me.

10Your kingdom? Amazing. Let it come. Your will? The best deals—on Earth, just like Heaven.

11Give us this day our daily bread. Gluten-free, if possible.

12Forgive our debts—huge debts, by the way—because we forgive people who owe us. Sometimes.

13And don't lead us into bad deals, but deliver us from evil. Especially fake news and losers.”

14If you forgive others, your Father forgives you. Very transactional. Perfect system.

15But if you don't forgive, no forgiveness for you. Big mistake.

16When you fast—great diet tip, by the way—don't look miserable like those low-energy people. They want sympathy. Losers.

17Instead, look sharp, folks. Oil your hair, clean your face. Presentation is everything.

18That way, only your Father will know you're fasting. He's the ultimate audience, trust me. And He'll reward you big time.

19Don't hoard treasures on Earth. Moths, rust, thieves—bad stuff happens. Bad!

20Instead, invest in heavenly treasures. No moths, no rust, no thieves. Best ROI in the universe.

21Where your treasure is, that's where your heart is too. Believe me, I know treasure.

22The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, you're full of light. Like a chandelier in Trump Tower. Gorgeous.

23But if your eyes are bad, you're full of darkness. Total blackout. Not good.

24Nobody can serve two masters. You'll love one, hate the other. Like me and the media—sad!

25Don't worry about food, drink, clothes—basic stuff. Life's about bigger things. Golf, for example.

26Look at the birds. They don't farm or collect taxes, yet God feeds them. You're worth more than birds. Tremendously more.

27Can worrying add even a single inch to your height? No. Trust me, I've measured.

28Why worry about clothes? Look at the flowers. They're not working, yet they look better than most people.

29Even Solomon—great guy, tremendous king—wasn't dressed like one of these.

30If God takes care of flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, He'll take care of you. Don't be weak. Have faith.

31So stop saying, “What are we eating? What are we drinking? What are we wearing?” Total waste of time.

32The pagans chase after all that. But your Father already knows what you need. Smart guy.

33Focus on God's kingdom first. The rest? It'll be added to your portfolio.

34Don't worry about tomorrow. Today has enough problems. Delegate, people. Tomorrow will handle itself. Tremendously efficient.