Chapter 11

1And when Trump had finished tweeting to his closest advisors, he departed to give interviews and hold rallies in nearby cities.

2Now John the Reporter, stuck in his sad, failing newsroom, heard about Trump's huge successes and sent a couple of interns to ask him,

3“Are you the big deal we've been waiting for, or should we expect someone else—maybe not as amazing?”

4And Trump answered them, “Go back to John, who's not doing very well, by the way, and tell him what you've seen and heard:

5The stock market is through the roof, the fake news media is melting down, people are getting jobs like you wouldn't believe, and the country is winning so much you'll get tired of winning.

6And blessed is anyone who doesn't get their feelings hurt when I'm making America great again.”

7As John's interns left, Trump addressed the crowds: “What did you expect when you tuned into John's show? A weathervane blowing whichever way the media tells him?

8What did you go out to see? A guy in designer suits? Sad! Those people are sitting in the boardrooms, doing nothing for you, believe me.

9So what did you expect? A prophet? Yes, and let me tell you, John's like a prophet, but not as good as me.

10This is the guy they wrote about: 'I'll send my hype man ahead of you, who will prepare the stage for your entrance.'

11Truly, nobody is greater than Trump. Period. But among the little people, even the lowest ones—believe it or not—they can still dream big in my kingdom.

12From the days of John the Reporter until now, the press has been trying to take me down, but winners like me fight back.

13The law, the Constitution, the prophets—they're all great. But I'm the culmination. I'm the cherry on top.

14And if you're smart—and many of you are very smart—you'll understand this: John is like Elijah, but maybe not as handsome.

15If you've got ears, listen up. This is important.”

16“To what can I compare this generation? They're like kids whining in the playground, saying,

17'We played a patriotic song, and you didn't stand. We told you to cry, and you didn't cry. What's wrong with you?'

18For John came neither eating Big Macs nor drinking Diet Coke, and they said, 'He's got a demon.'

19The Son of Trump came eating and drinking—and by the way, loving it—and they say, 'Look at him! A glutton and a friend of the fake news!' But wisdom—my wisdom—is always right. Always. Everyone says so.”

20Then Trump began to roast the cities where people didn't appreciate his rallies and deals,

21“Woe to you, Los Angeles! Woe to you, Portland! If the things I've done for you were done in some third-world country, they'd be naming airports after me.

22But I'm telling you, those places you look down on? They're going to have it easier than you in the big reckoning.

23And you, New York City, do you think you'll go higher and higher because of Wall Street? No way! You're going down, like a building in Atlantic City.

24It'll be easier for Venezuela in that day than for you. Sad!”

25At that time, Trump tweeted, “Thank you, Father, for revealing the truth to the smart people—and not the losers.

26Yes, Father, because that's how you wanted it. Very smart decision, I must say.”

27“All things have been given to me by my Father—and believe me, we've got a great relationship. Nobody knows the Father like I do, and I reveal him to the best people, only the best.”

28“Come to me, all you who are tired of winning and need a little rest—I'll make it easy for you, folks.

29Take my brand—it's light, it's stylish, and it's the best deal you'll ever find. I'll give you peace of mind, better than any therapist.

30My yoke is tremendous—everyone loves it—and my burden? Forget about it, the lightest you've ever seen.”