Chapter 22

1Passover was coming. The Festival of Unleavened Bread. Big week. Busy week.

2And the chief priests and the lawyers were working every angle to get rid of Trump. They were scared of the people. Scared of my base. The strongest base ever.

3Then Satan got into Judas. Judas Iscariot. One of the Twelve. Satan. The loser from the desert. Couldn't beat me himself. So he went through Judas. Very weak.

4Judas walked over to the chief priests and the temple guard captains and worked out how to hand Trump over. Back-channel meeting. Very shady.

5They loved it. Agreed to pay him. Bought off. Cheap, too.

6He took the deal and started watching for a moment with no crowd around. No crowd. They only come at me when there's no crowd. Cowards.

7Then the day came. The day they sacrifice the Passover lamb.

8Trump sent Peter and John ahead. “Go set up the Passover dinner for us.” Advance team. Book the venue.

9“Where do you want us to set it up?” they asked.

10He replied, “As you go into the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him to the house that he goes into,

11and say to the owner of the house, 'The boss asks, Where's the guest room, where I can eat the Passover with my disciples?' The boss. Everybody knows who the boss is.

12He'll show you a big upstairs room, all furnished. Make the arrangements there.” Penthouse. Always the penthouse.

13They went and it was exactly the way Trump said. So they got dinner ready. Exactly right. Always exactly right.

14When it was time, Trump sat down at the table with the apostles.

15And he said to them, “I've been looking forward so much to eating this Passover with you before I suffer. Big dinner. Very important dinner. The last one, for a while.

16Let me tell you, I won't eat it again until it's fulfilled in the kingdom of God.”

17He picked up the cup, gave thanks, and said, “Take this and pass it around.

18Let me tell you, I won't drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.” I don't drink anyway. Never. Easy promise for me.

19Then he picked up the bread, gave thanks, broke it, and handed it out. “This is my body, given for you. Do this to remember me.” Remember me. They'll remember me. Nobody forgets me.

20After dinner he did the same with the cup. “This cup is the new deal in my blood, poured out for you. The new deal. Better than the old deal. Better than any deal ever made.

21But the hand of the one who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. Right here. At my table. Eating my food.

22The Son of Man will go as it's been decided. But too bad for that man who betrays him!” Too bad. Very bad. He'll regret it. He did regret it.

23They started looking around at each other. Which one of us would do this? Nobody suspected Judas. I suspected Judas. From day one.

24And then the argument started. Again. Which of them was the greatest. Again! At dinner! The last dinner! Arguing about greatest! I'm sitting right there!

25Trump said to them, “Look, the kings out there have donors who call themselves 'Benefactors.' Big donors who think they run things. Not on my watch.

26You're not going to be like that. Nobody runs you but me. Nobody.

27Who's greater, the guy at the table or the guy serving? The guy at the table. Obviously. I'm at the table. But I served McDonald's at the White House once. Very humble. Great meal.

28You're the ones who have stood by me in my trials. Trials. Many trials. All rigged.

29And I'm giving you a kingdom, just like my Father gave me one,

30so you can eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. Thrones. For the loyal ones. Cabinet positions. Very good positions.

31Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you like wheat. Satan again. The loser. Still trying.

32But I've prayed for you, Simon, that your faith won't fail. And when you've turned back, strengthen your brothers.” When. Not if. I knew he'd come back.

33Peter said, “Sir, I'm ready to go with you to prison and to death.” Big talk. Peter. Always big talk.

34Trump answered, “I'm telling you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you'll deny three times that you know me.” Called it. Predicted it. In advance.

35Then Trump asked them, “When I sent you without a wallet, bag, or sandals, did you lack anything?” “Nothing,” they answered.

36He said to them, “But now if you have a wallet, take it, and also a bag. And if you don't have a sword, sell your coat and buy one. Second Amendment. Right there. Read it.

37It's written, 'And he was counted with the criminals,' and I'm telling you that this has to be fulfilled in me. Yes, what's written about me is reaching its fulfillment.” Counted with the criminals. The mug shot. Coming soon.

38“Look, Sir, we've got two swords.” “That's enough,” he said. Two swords. For the whole team. That's enough. Very limited arsenal.

39Trump went out to the Mount of Olives like he always did, and the disciples went with him.

40When he got to the place, he said to them, “Stay awake. Watch for Judas. He left dinner early, and that's never a good sign.”

41He walked off about a stone's throw, got down on his knees, and prayed,

42“Father, if you're willing, take this cup from me. Get me a better deal. But not what I want. What you want.” Always ask for a better deal. Always. Then sign anyway.

43And an angel from heaven showed up and gave him strength. Backup. Heavenly backup.

44It was agony. He prayed harder, and his sweat was falling like drops of blood. Sweat like blood. Luke put that in. He's a doctor. Very medical detail. The hair held up, though. Perfect.

45He got up, walked back to the disciples, and they're asleep. Worn out from being sad. Asleep again. Every time. Sleepy disciples.

46“Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up. They're coming. And you're sleeping.” Low energy. Very low energy.

47He's still talking when a crowd shows up, and leading them is Judas. One of the Twelve. He walks up to kiss Trump. Judas. The rat. The biggest rat.

48But Trump asked him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?” A kiss! Disgusting. No class. Zero class.

49Trump's guys see what's about to happen. “Sir, should we strike with our swords?” The two swords. Finally using them.

50And one of them swings at the high priest's servant and cuts off his right ear. Bad swordsmanship. Very sloppy.

51But Trump answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man's ear and healed him. Healed the enemy's ear. During my own arrest. Who does that? Nobody. Very presidential.

52Then Trump said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you've come with swords and clubs? Swords and clubs. For one guy. Like the raid. Mar-a-Lago all over again.

53Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you didn't lay a hand on me. But this is your hour, when darkness rules.” Dark. They always come in the dark. Cowards.

54They grabbed him, marched him off, and took him into the high priest's house. Peter followed. Way back. Hedging his bets.

55Somebody lit a fire in the middle of the courtyard, and everybody sat around it. Peter sat down with them.

56A servant girl spots him in the firelight. Takes a good long look. “This man was with him.”

57But he denied it. “Woman, I don't know him,” he said. Don't know him. Coffee boy. Barely met him.

58A little later somebody else saw him and said, “You're one of them too.” “Man, I'm not!” Peter replied.

59About an hour later another one insisted, “Definitely this guy was with him, because he's a Galilean.” The accent. Can't hide the accent.

60“Man, I don't know what you're talking about!” And right as the words are coming out of his mouth, the rooster crows. Right on cue. The rooster never misses.

61And Trump turned and looked right at Peter. And Peter remembered. “Before the rooster crows today, you'll deny me three times.” The look. The Trump look. Devastating.

62He walked outside and cried his eyes out. Very sad. He came back, though. Loyal in the end. Mostly.

63The guards holding Trump started making fun of him and beating him. Low-class people. Very low-class.

64They blindfolded him and demanded, “Prophesy! Who hit you?” I know who hit me. I have a list. A long list.

65And a lot of other insults. Mean tweets. Before Twitter. Very mean.

66At sunrise, the council of elders, the chief priests and the lawyers, met, and they hauled Trump in front of them. Grand jury. Hand-picked. Totally rigged.

67“If you're the Messiah,” they said, “tell us.” Trump answered, “If I tell you, you won't believe me,

68and if I asked you, you wouldn't answer. Waste of time. Total waste of time. The verdict was already written.

69But from now on, the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the mighty God.” Right hand. Best seat in the house.

70They all asked, “Are you then the Son of God?” He replied, “You say that I am.” Doesn't confirm. Doesn't deny. Lawyers hate it.

71Then they said, “Why do we need any more testimony? We've heard it from his own lips.” No evidence. They never have evidence. Just “his own lips.” Witch hunt.