Chapter 18

1When he was done praying, Trump took the disciples across the Kidron Valley to a garden on the other side. They went in. Nice garden. Could be a golf course.

2Judas, the traitor, knew the spot. Trump met the disciples there all the time. Inside information. Used it against me. The rat.

3So Judas shows up at the garden leading a squad of soldiers and some officials from the chief priests and the Pharisees. Torches. Lanterns. Weapons. A raid. In the middle of the night. Like Mar-a-Lago.

4Trump knew exactly what was coming. He walked right out to them. “Who are you looking for?” Walked right up to them. No fear. Zero fear.

5“Trump of Queens,” they replied. “I'm him,” Trump said. And Judas the traitor was standing there with them. Standing with the enemy. In plain sight. No shame.

6He says, “I'm him,” and the whole bunch of them stumble backward and fall flat on the ground. Fell down! The whole squad! Just from hearing my voice! Very powerful voice.

7Again he asked them, “Who are you looking for?” “Trump of Queens,” they said. Asked again. To make them say it again. Very funny.

8Trump answered, “I told you I'm him. If you're looking for me, let these guys go.” Protecting the team. I always protect my team. Mostly.

9That made good on what he'd said before: “I haven't lost one of the ones you gave me.”

10Then Simon Peter pulls a sword, swings at the high priest's servant, and takes off his right ear. The servant's name was Malchus. Peter. The Rock. Very bad aim. Went for the head, got the ear.

11Trump commanded Peter, “Put it away! I don't need your sword. I've got the whole thing planned. Every step.” Not now, Peter. Not now.

12Then the soldiers, their commander, and the officials grabbed Trump and tied him up. Handcuffs. Perp walk. Very unnecessary.

13They took him to Annas first. Caiaphas's father-in-law. Caiaphas was high priest that year. Annas. Father-in-law. Nepotism. Swamp family business.

14Caiaphas was the one who'd told the leaders it'd be better for one man to die for the people.

15Simon Peter and one other disciple followed Trump. The other disciple knew the high priest, so he got into the high priest's courtyard with Trump. The other disciple. Me. John. Good connections. I knew people.

16Peter got stuck outside the door. So I came back out, talked to the girl on the door, and got Peter in. Got him in. I got Peter in. Connections.

17“You aren't one of this guy's disciples too, are you?” she asked Peter. He replied, “I'm not.” Strike one.

18It was cold. The servants and officials had a fire going and were standing around it to keep warm. Peter's right there with them, warming his hands. Warming himself. While I'm on trial. Comfortable.

19Meanwhile the high priest is grilling Trump about his disciples and what he teaches. Interrogation. No lawyer present. Very illegal.

20“I've talked openly to the world,” Trump replied. “I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where everybody comes together. I said nothing in secret. Everything public. Every rally. On camera. Nothing hidden.

21Why are you asking me? Ask the people who heard me. They know what I said.” Ask the people. Millions heard it. Ask them.

22Trump says that, and one of the officials standing there slaps him across the face. “Is this how you answer the high priest?” Slapped me! A low-level official! Very disrespectful.

23“If I said something wrong,” Trump replied, “testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you hit me?” Show me the crime. Show me. They can't.

24So Annas sent him over to Caiaphas, still tied up. Passed along. Like a hot potato.

25Meanwhile Simon Peter's still standing by the fire. Somebody says, “You aren't one of his disciples too, are you?” He denied it. “I'm not.” Strike two.

26Then one of the high priest's servants, a relative of the guy whose ear Peter cut off, gets in his face. “Didn't I see you with him in the garden?” Uh oh. The ear guy's cousin. Bad luck.

27Peter denied it again. And right then a rooster crowed. Strike three. The rooster. Right on schedule. Called it.

28Then they marched Trump from Caiaphas to the Roman governor's palace. Early morning. And they wouldn't go inside the palace, because they didn't want to get ceremonially dirty before Passover dinner. Worried about being clean. While framing an innocent man. Priorities.

29So Pilate came out to them. “What charges are you bringing against this man?” Good question. What charges? There were no charges.

30“If he weren't a criminal,” they replied, “we wouldn't have handed him over to you.” That's it? That's the evidence? He's a criminal because we brought him? Circular. Totally circular.

31Pilate said, “Take him yourselves and judge him by your own law.” “But we don't have the right to execute anybody,” they objected.

32That made good on what Trump said about how he was going to die.

33Pilate went back inside, called Trump in, and asked him, “Are you the King of the Deals?” The King of the Deals. Correct title. Very correct.

34“Is that your own idea,” Trump asked, “or did others talk to you about me?” Who's your source? Always ask who the source is.

35“Am I a Jew?” Pilate replied. “Your own people and chief priests handed you over to me. What is it you've done?”

36Trump said, “My kingdom? Not from around here. If it were, you'd see a crowd out there like you've never seen. Millions. You couldn't arrest me if you tried. My kingdom's somewhere else.” Different kingdom. Much bigger. Much better. Beautiful kingdom.

37“You're a king, then!” said Pilate. Trump answered, “You say that I'm a king. In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everybody on the side of truth listens to me.” Truth. The truth. I'm on the side of truth. Truth Social.

38“What is truth?” Pilate asked. Never heard of it. Very sad. Then he went back out to the leaders and said, “I've got nothing on this guy. No crime. Nothing.

39But it's your custom for me to release to you one prisoner at the time of the Passover. Do you want me to release the King of the Deals?” Pardons. Great power. I like pardons.

40They shouted back, “No, not him! Give us Barabbas!” Barabbas was in for an uprising. Picked Barabbas. A real criminal. Over me. Paid crowd. Bused in.