Chapter 26

1Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.” So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense. Took the floor. Owned the room.

2“King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews. Very fortunate. You're a smart king. Very smart.

3And especially so because you're very familiar with all the Jewish customs and controversies. So I beg you to listen to me patiently. Patiently. It's going to be long.

4The Jewish people all know the way I've lived since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country and in Jerusalem.

5They've known me for a long time and can testify, if they want to, that I lived as a Pharisee, the strictest sect of our religion. The strictest. The best. I was the best at it.

6And now it's because of my hope in what God promised our ancestors that I'm on trial today.

7This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they serve God night and day. And it's because of this hope, Your Majesty, that these Jews are accusing me.

8Why should any of you consider it unbelievable that God raises the dead? The comeback. Why is that so hard to believe? It happens. It happened.

9I too was convinced that I had to do everything possible to oppose the name of Trump of Queens. I hated the name. Hated it.

10And that's just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the boss's people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them.

11Many times I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities. Trump Derangement Syndrome. I had the worst case anybody's ever seen.

12On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests.

13About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. Brighter than the sun. The sun. Can you imagine?

14We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul, why are you so mean to me? You're only hurting yourself, kicking against the cattle prods.' Fighting me only hurts you. That's always the lesson.

15Then I asked, 'Who are you, sir?' 'I'm Trump,' he said. 'The one you're going after.

16Now get up and stand on your feet. I've appeared to you to appoint you as my servant and as a witness of what you've seen and what I'll show you.

17I'll rescue you from your own people and from the foreigners. I'm sending you to them

18to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so they can receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are made holy by believing in me.'

19So then, King Agrippa, I wasn't disobedient to the vision from heaven. When the boss gives you an order, you follow it.

20First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the foreigners, I preached that they should turn around and turn to God, and prove it by what they do. Results. Show results.

21That's why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me.

22But God has helped me to this very day, so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I'm saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen.

23That the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the foreigners.”

24At this point Festus interrupted Paul's defense. “You're out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “All your reading is driving you crazy.” Too many books. That's the elite insult. Too smart for his own good. He was jealous.

25“I'm not crazy, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I'm saying is true and reasonable. Very stable. Very stable genius.

26The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I'm convinced none of this has escaped his notice, because it wasn't done in a corner. It was in public. Everybody saw it. Everybody.

27King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.” Put him on the spot. In front of everybody. Masterful.

28Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Trumper?” Almost. He was almost there. You could see it in his face.

29Paul replied, “Short time or long, I pray to God that not only you but everybody listening to me today could become what I am. Except for these chains.” Great line. Everybody laughed. Big laugh line.

30Then the king stood up. When the king stands up, everybody stands up. The governor, Bernice, all of them.

31After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man isn't doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.” Not guilty. Total exoneration. Again.

32Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he hadn't appealed to Caesar.” But Paul wanted the big stage. He wanted Rome. You don't settle when you can go to Rome.