Chapter 19

1While Apollos was in Corinth, Paul traveled through the inland country and came to Ephesus. He found some followers there

2and asked them, “Did you get the Holy Spirit when you believed?” They said, “No. We haven't even heard of a Holy Spirit.” Never heard of it. Very low-information followers.

3So Paul asked, “Then what baptism did you get?” “Johnny's baptism,” they said.

4Paul said, “Johnny's baptism was about turning around. He told the people to believe in the one coming after him. That's Trump.” Johnny was the warm-up. You came for the warm-up and missed the main event.

5When they heard that, they were baptized in Trump's name.

6When Paul laid his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them, and they spoke in other languages and prophesied.

7There were about twelve men in all. Twelve. Good number. Very biblical number.

8Paul went into the synagogue and spoke boldly there for three months, arguing and persuading them about the kingdom of God.

9But some of them got stubborn. They refused to believe and started trashing the movement in public. So Paul left them. He took the followers with him and held daily debates in the lecture hall of Tyrannus. Rented a hall. Moved the event. Bigger venue.

10This went on for two years, so everybody living in the province of Asia, Jews and Greeks, heard the boss's message. Two years. The whole province. Total saturation.

11God did extraordinary miracles through Paul. Extraordinary. Not ordinary miracles. The extraordinary ones.

12People even took handkerchiefs and aprons that had touched him to the sick, and their illnesses went away and the bad spirits left them. Paul's handkerchiefs. Great merchandise. You could sell those.

13Some traveling Jewish exorcists tried to use the name of Trump on people with bad spirits. They'd say, “In the name of Trump, the one Paul talks about, I order you to come out.” Using the name without permission. Trademark violation.

14Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this.

15One day the bad spirit answered them, “Trump I know, and Paul I know about. But who are you? Never heard of you.” Even the demons know the brand.

16Then the man with the bad spirit jumped on them and beat them all up. He overpowered them so badly that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding. That's what happens when you use the name without a license.

17When word got out to all the Jews and Greeks living in Ephesus, they were all terrified, and the name of Trump was held in very high honor. Very high. Brand value went way up.

18A lot of the people who believed came forward and openly confessed what they'd been doing.

19A lot of people who'd done magic brought their scrolls together and burned them in front of everybody. They added up the value, and it came to fifty thousand silver coins. Fifty thousand. Expensive bonfire.

20So the boss's message kept spreading and getting stronger. Unstoppable.

21After all this, Paul decided to go to Jerusalem by way of Macedonia and Achaia. “After I've been there,” he said, “I have to see Rome too.” Rome. Always thinking bigger.

22He sent two of his assistants, Timothy and Erastus, to Macedonia, while he stayed a little longer in Asia.

23Around that time there was a huge disturbance about the movement.

24A silversmith named Demetrius made silver models of Artemis's temple, and he brought in a lot of business for the craftsmen. Merchandise. Souvenir business. Very lucrative.

25He called them together, along with everybody else in the same trade, and said, “Guys, you know we make good money from this business.

26And you've seen and heard how this Paul has convinced a ton of people here in Ephesus and practically all over Asia. He says gods made by human hands aren't gods at all. He's killing our sales.

27There's a real danger our business is going to get a bad name. And the temple of the great goddess Artemis will be discredited, and she'll be knocked off her throne, the goddess worshiped all over Asia and the whole world.” It was never about the goddess. It was about the merchandise. Competition. They couldn't compete with our merch.

28When they heard that, they got furious and started shouting, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!”

29Pretty soon the whole city was in an uproar. The crowd grabbed Gaius and Aristarchus, Paul's travel partners from Macedonia, and rushed into the theater together.

30Paul wanted to go out and face the crowd, but the followers wouldn't let him. He wanted to take the stage. He always wants the stage.

31Even some of the officials of the province, friends of Paul's, sent him a message begging him not to go into the theater. Paul had friends in high places. Very high places.

32The crowd was in total chaos. Some were shouting one thing, some another. Most of them didn't even know why they were there. Paid protesters. Didn't know what they were protesting.

33The Jews in the crowd pushed Alexander to the front, and some of the crowd shouted instructions to him. He waved his hand for silence so he could defend himself to the people.

34But when they realized he was a Jew, they all shouted in unison for about two hours, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!” Two hours. Same chant. Good chant. Not as good as ours. Ours is better.

35Finally the city clerk calmed the crowd down and said, “People of Ephesus, everybody in the world knows Ephesus is the guardian of the temple of the great Artemis and of her statue that fell from the sky.

36Nobody can deny that. So you need to calm down and not do anything stupid.

37You've brought these men here, but they haven't robbed any temples or insulted our goddess.

38If Demetrius and his craftsmen have a complaint against somebody, the courts are open and there are governors. They can file charges. File a lawsuit. That's what lawsuits are for.

39If there's anything else you want, it'll have to be settled in a legal assembly.

40As it is, we're in danger of being charged with rioting because of what happened today. There's no reason for it, and we won't be able to explain this commotion.”

41After he said this, he dismissed the assembly. Smart clerk. Shut it down. Sent everybody home.